It is finished…

Does this sounds familiar? Jesus had completed his mission on earth. Have I completed? Ha ha! It’s only the beginning.

Last evening’s RCIA session was the last ministry I’m letting go. It’s not even completed yet. I had to leave just before the most important preparation to their baptism. But then, it’s also a good time to stop.

As I looked back the 2 yrs journey, it was a very fruitful journey. I had my first experience as sponsor and had my first God-daughter. Of course I gained a lot in many other aspects too, especially self-growth.

Frankly, throughout these 2 years journey, I attended sessions in a half-hearted attitude. My initial motivations were all wrong. I just wanted to play the keyboard to keep it going and improve my skills, and also to test my calling if I’m called to journey with people. It’s because I commited myself to the ministry, so I had to be responsible lor.

Last evening was a very clear affirmation for me. It was a boost of my self-esteem.

I always think that I attend RCIA because I have to play, “play only ma”. I shut my ears during sessions because I’m just too tired of listening or I would just leave. I try to keep practice short and ignores mistakes/messiness because I’m just too lazy to bother. Then, I felt guilty for not being able help others worship. I had no motivation to interact with participants because I did not know them and I’m not really journeying with them. I’m just wasting my time there because I still have to do something while waiting. I actually felt quite useless in the 2nd journey compared to the 1st. So my commitment level wasn’t 100%. And… all my ‘SIAO SIAO’ moments was just to keep me more alive and motivated. And… always enjoying the love that all the older ones were giving me. I really had not done enough to deserve anything

Last night, it hits me that I shouldn’t worry so much about what I do, what I should do, what I must do and what I have done. I cannot downgrade myself to think that I’m useless and my commitment is not there just because I don’t see any results.

So, it’s all about ‘being’ there, ‘being myself’ and ‘do what I need to do’… That’s All.

So... on this blog, I also don't care what you think: "too long, rubbish, lousy..." I just write, That's All..hee hee.... of course with one and only pure intention of sharing life.

What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal

Before, I turned on the computer, I had another reflection topic in mind. But as I turned on the computer, what went through my mind was that “ai yo.. everyone will know what I’m feeling, so ‘pai seh’, privacy all gone.” It’s really like stripping myself naked, yet not completely naked….ermmm… BINGO, that’s what I wanted to research and reflect further…. Ok… save it for the next entry.

Here, what I wanted to share is…. As I opened my mail box, I went to open the daily meditation by Henri Nouwen’s mail which I subscribed but hardly read. To my surprise, my question of privacy was answered. It says,

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.

Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.

It’s only normal to be living “double lives” or even more. We not only hide our feelings but also hide our ‘REAL’ self. We act differently towards different people. I’m not sure about you… but I DO. I live many way of “lives” but working very hard to live only ONE way, which is the life that God has created me to be.

(see… I drifted away again from what I initially wanted to share. The beauty of typing reflection compared to writing is that the mind moves too fast)

Ok, what I wanted to say is that it’s a good thing and of no harm, to share life with others especially deep feelings which many rather hide. But of course sharing it prudently with friends who can be trusted. Oops…. I have no idea who has been reading my blog.

Eversince, I started with my blog AGAIN, I realized that I kind of stopped writing hard copy journal… that’s really NOT GOOD. I also realised that I need not share much verbally because my friends already know what I’m feeling…. that’s even WORST.

So maybe it shouldn’t be too personal…But general stuff can be found at every other sites. Ai ya… CONFUSED!!! Like Nike says: ”Just Do It”. Just do what I think the Spirit is leading me to lah. Anyway, it might not be for long… might have to stop after entering.

1 more week to go….

How am I feeling?

There’s fear, sadness and excitement. Ai ya… it’s a mixed feeling.

I was just reflecting earlier on. The call is certain, I responded and Jesus will be with me. Now, it’s all up to me. How long I can persevere? How discipline and focus I am? Being a person who gives up easily and with low level of determination, how long can I last?

See…. Again worrying things beyond my control now.

Many asked me when I can go home and what will I be doing? My answer is I don’t know. I always think that sometimes, by not knowing, living without much expectation helps one to be more open to new circumstances. Too often, we want to know everything and when things don’t happen the way we know, we get disappointed.

So, I never ask my provincial this question of ‘When can I go home?’ not till yesterday because she asked me what else do I want to know. So I asked lor. Her reply was, not till I get detached from my family, but I do get my annual home leave.

I was reminded on the importance of the initial formation years. Yes, I must be strongly rooted in Christ and therefore detachment is necessary in order to be focus. Giving myself completely to Christ means, I belonged to him. My goodness, that sounds so scary. Enough, don’t want to think anymore. All I can do is to do and give my very best.

Am I just sick or more then sick??

I just took a 2 hour sleep and I’m still feeling sick. Sigh.

My spiritual directors always questioned me, if not gives me that ‘LOOK’ when I fall sick. They believe that when a person is sick, it’s because the body has GOT a PROBLEM. Duh right!! Wait, wait..I’m not saying that my SDs are all DUH!!!

Anyway, from the little I know, usually when a person is REALLY sick, it’s because our body has been over worked, exhausted and needed plenty of rest.

Obviously, my body has not been physically exhausted….. because it hasn’t been working hard at all. So no matter how much I sleep/rest, probably I’m just running away from some form of ‘problem’.

Of course I know myself best. What else more than the silly and irritating word ‘ANXIETY’. Identifying is easy but coping it is terrible. Well, there’s nothing much I can do but to commend myself to God.

There's a saying that says "Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

Prayer is indeed the key to overcoming or coping with anxiety, for it reassures us of God's presence and reminds us of our need to rely on His strength, not on our own.

As St. John Vianney said, "God commands you to pray, but He forbids you to worry."

Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and

supplication with thanksgiving let your requests

be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which passes all understanding,

will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

***Amazingly I feel much better now after blogging and knowing my PROBLEM and of course pray lah...  blogging is really a therapeutic exercise.

It’s really challenging……

It’s already challenging enough to be practising my faith in a non-catholic family, in addition to the celebration of Lunar New Year plus Holiday out… it’s worst….

Yeah! I just returned from Batam View Beach resort. Although, there wasn’t much things to do there, I really enjoyed the time spent with my family and my cousin’s family watching TV, kayaking, swimming, eating, spa and playing cards. It probably would be my last time experiencing such moments with my family. Really don’t know when would be the NEXT TIME.

I realized that that family holidays are really important because it helps binds everyone together…. at home… there’s too many DISTRACTIONS…… as a result, we hardly even get to sit together at the living room.

OK.. back to why it’s challenging living with non-catholics. Today’s Ash Wednesday, the beginning of lent and yeah, my last day at Batam. Of course couldn’t fast lah. Had a BIG BUFFT breakfast in the morning… thought maybe could at least abstain… without knowing, chicken ham was already floating in my stomach.

Ermm… ok nevermind… then fast for lunch and dinner. Very good…manage to convince my family that I’m not hungry during lunch. On the way home, my brother decides to celebrate his birthday today instead of tomorrow….and that was at 5pm. Ok… no more fasting for dinner… and worst, can’t even attending the 8pm mass which I planned to go. Thank goodness, we managed to get home by 5.30pm and I rushed off for 6.15pm mass. At least I fulfilled ONE thing.

At mass, I felt pretty guilty. Although, I know that our God is compassion and love. He understands…. but still……

Later on I felt that the Lord was telling me that that’s precisely the reason why I’m moving on to give myself completely to Him. Only by doing so, I would be able to practise my faith fully. And that’s what God wants to give me. --------------I hope that I'm getting the right msg---------------

I felt happy… yet feeling depressed…. My days are NUMBERED. I’m scared, I’m worried of so many things, my family, myself, my possessions, everything… ha ha… sometimes, I felt like buying the whole shopping center…. Other times, I felt like throwing everything away. I'm going CRAZY......

Ok… stop thinking…stomach stirring already….better GO TO BED…..

Is this really what I want?

On Monday, the FMM sisters from the Trinity Community at Tampines invited me to join them for their reunion dinner and as a form of welcoming me. I would be staying with this community when I make trips back to Singapore. I felt a little uncomfortable as the place was pretty new to me.

This evening the FMM sisters from the Bethany Novitiate at Kovan Road also invited me to join them for their reunion dinner. I was very happy that they included me in their family eventhough I don’t belong there. How blessed I am to be so well supported by 2 communities. After spending 6 months in and 6 months out of the convent, during vespers, I felt very strange yet comfortable. Strange to be back in the chapel, seated at the same place yet comfortable because I’m familiar with the way they pray.

“Is this really what I want?” was the question that kept playing in my mind during the time spent there. I couldn’t really give a firm answer. I only felt that the spirit just keep pushing me on and I will do what God wants me to do. Since from the short history of my life, God had already shown me his dramatic plan, I’m really very eager to know what else He has installed for me. Ermm…. Maybe one day I will know the exact purpose I was made for.

Will this be my last…

Looks like this would be my last outing before leaving.

I’m very very happy to be able to visit the Jurong Bird Park. As a Singaporean for 27 years, I feel so ‘unSingaporean’ to tell people than I have never been there. Apparently, my mum says she brought me there before, not sure whose memory is failing… mine or hers.

I enjoyed myself very much especially with the company of my friends who are so dear to me. They journeyed with me through the weeks of waiting and moments when I feeling anxious, confused, lonely, moody, ‘crazy’ and happy times too.

They too have distracted me away from being ‘scared’ because they are ever so encouraging and always there for me…. Not sure if it’s good - running away from my own feelings…mmmm… it’s definitely good as long as I am able to identify and connect with my own feelings.

I just felt so blessed. What more do I really need? The Lord has given me so much goodness. Although, I may not the most perfect, intelligent and suitable person to be chosen, the Lord has shown me the fruits of my labour and perseverance through the people I meet everyday. Humans might be scary to be with because problems usually are created by humans, but, humans are also the ones who will bring Christ messages into our lives. So, I really appreciate all whom the Lord sends into my life.

Doubting moments: ermmmm…… hope I did not absorb and interpret wrongly the messages in my life….

I always remembered Pope Benedict XVI’s homily during his inauguration in 2005. He says: “No! If we let Christ into our lives, we lose nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of what makes life free, beautiful and great…… Do not be afraid of Christ! He takes nothing away, and he gives you everything. When we give ourselves to him, we receive a hundredfold in return. Yes, open, open wide the doors to Christ -- and you will find true life.”

The MAH family Reunion Dinner

This evening, we had a buffet reunion dinner at my grandmother’s house, as usual, one week earlier. My grandparents have 11 children. That makes 21 in the 2nd generation because my 1st auntie is not married. Then we have 25 in the 3rd generation and 3 in the 4th generation. That makes a total of 62 of us technically.

Being in such big family, reunion dinner is the only time for all of us to catch up with one another. It was wonderful to be able to chat with some of my younger cousins. My greatest fear today was, ‘to tell’ or ‘not to tell’ and ‘how to say’. Some already know, but others don’t. So, the challenge was to find out who don’t know. Ermm.. anyway, what I did was to beat around the bush before saying the truth to those who asked.

The disaster came when one of my uncles triggers my Mum’s volcano again. It was a silence eruption. My brother came to tell me, I acted very COOL and I felt useless. The only thing I can do is to assure her again and again.

There have been so many eruptions these years which I had to handle it. Just at the right time and the most worrying moment, our dear Lord sends Mr. Jevin (my 6mth old nephew) into the world as the best COOLing and Distraction agent. I always felt very guilty getting jealous over a baby who stole away all my parents’ attention over me. Actually, he’s a blessing to my family. I supposed the Lord knows what to do when He wants to use me.

1st outing…. might be the last too….

Finally, I managed to arrange for a date to bring the girls out. Sara, 9 yrs old, dressed in white, is my newly given God daughter in 2009 during her 1st Holy Communion. Emma, 7 yrs old, dressed in pink, was my student at Catholic Kindergarten 2008-09.

This afternoon, I brought them out to Vivo city, ate at Marche and watched a Tooth Fairy. I had a very enjoyable time with them. They are very loving, chatty and adorable.

 After the movie, we went to Precious Thots. They were looking at cards and showed me a card which states ‘Goodbye’. They wanted to get it for me. I asked them for what? They said that they will not see me again because I’m going to be a nun. My heart sank.

Actually, I’m quite worry that I may fail my duty as a Godma. I really don’t know what I can do for Sara. She’s still so young, she might just forget me. Perhaps by the time she reaches Confirmation, she might prefer to look for another Godma.

Anyway, I just have to leave it in the hands of the Lord to create the bond if it’s His Will for me to be Sara’s Godmother

The Lord sends….

Many parishioners have been asking me who will be playing for morning mass after I leave. My answer is always, I also don’t know, God will send if He wants.

Looking back, IHM have been really blessed with animators and organists for weekday morning masses. Never a time where there’s no animator or organist, well at least from what I know.

Mapping down what I know… just for the fun and for memory sake..

• When I started attending weekday morning mass in 2004, Brother Joseph Chang was already the sole resident organist. I did have thoughts of serving too…but….
• Then Sr. Victorine Fernandez came back to the organ seat in 2005. She served on alternate weeks. That’s when I played only when she couldn’t be there.
• Then I think in 2006, when Brother Joseph decided to stop playing plus moving out of the community due to renovation, I started to alternate with Sr. Victorine.
• Then came a young Michelle when she was Sec 2. She played whatever and whenever she can.
• Towards the end of 2007, Sr. Victorine left to another community and I was promoted as the sole resident organist.
• Then came Grace whom gave me an off day.

Now. that I’m going away, whose playing??

The Lord plans it all well. Brother Joseph has just shifted back to Flower Road and he’s willing to play. See… the Lord sends…. It’s like going in circles….. it’s so funny…. And I have a strong feeling that one day I will be back playing too… ha ha…

A night out with the music people

Last night, my friends from the RCIA music ministry brought me out for dinner to Gillman Seafood Restaurant at Telok Blangah. I enjoyed and the good was great.

I journeyed together with this group since 2008, when I first started playing for RCIA. It was a nightmare in the beginning; we can’t seem to co-ordinate well. But as time passes, our group dynamics got better and finally provided better music.

During these 2 years, my keyboard skills definitely have improved. It was a place for me to continue using my music talents after I left the choir besides playing for daily mass. I also learned to be more ‘thick skin’ especially when I made lots of mistakes, trying very hard to cover them.

The beauty of serving in this ministry was the many opportunities given to help others worship God and feel His presence. However, very frequently, I always ask myself whether if I have helped them or have I made a mess. Well, I have learned not to blame myself anymore, instead, to allow the Holy Spirit to take control as long as I had tried my best.

I will definitely miss serving in such ‘safe’ environment.

So… after dinner, we adjourn to The Villa Bali at Gillman Village for a drink. The ambience was really beautiful and relaxing. Definitely had to go for some alcoholic drink. As I looked at the menu, I wanted to order some non-alcoholic freeze, but one of my friend says that “THIS” is nice and very suitable for me and all others agreed. Well… what is so special about “THIS”. It’s the name of the cocktail that made it special. It’s called “XXX on the beach”. You know??you know??

I was so embarrassed. It’s a cocktail made from vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice and cranberry juice. So I ordered it and my dear friends couldn’t stop teasing about the BEACH until we got out of the car park.

My dear friends, thank you. Thank you for always being so patience with me especially during practices. And, very importantly, thank you for being so accommodative to me during my 6 months stay with the sisters which enables me to continue serving. You have definitely played a big part in my discernment journey.

Preparing for future battles

I’m really slowing down…. or rather just pure laziness….. ermmm maybe it’s about letting go…. I think a better word to use is ‘preparing for future battles’.

Realised that I have no motivation to do more then just playing for RCIA and singing for Alpha. It was already quite bad last year….This year, it’s WORST.

Is there something wrong? Have I stop loving God and serving His people?

Having so much stored in ME, just didn’t allow me to be as productive and enthusiastic as before.

In the past, it was…. O Lord….What should I do? Where you want me to go? Do I really love you? Am I really chosen? Who am I? Why am I afraid? All these nearly brought me not to IHM but IMH. Thank goodness I still ended up with HIM.

And now, it is…. O Lord… What to bring? Why must I NOT bring? What to give away? What to throw? How best to pack more things in the most compact way? Whom to meet up with? What I hope to do before leaving? What is most important is to spend time with friends whom the Lord has sent into my life. Are you ONE of them?? hee hee.

Yes… finally, I’m having fun blogging and sharing life (not sure if I still can do this next month) …. a bit ‘shy’ though… you know all about me through the virtual world… but I do hope I know you too. Do I?? I hope….

Just 1 month to go……

It’s exactly 1 month away from my departure. A short moth though. How am I feeling? It’s a very ‘Rojak’ feeling. On one hand I feel that there’s a lot needed to be done, not enough time, but on the other hand, I’m very free, no need to work, don’t know what to do, can’t wait for the day to come. In conclusion, my anxiety level is very high. It’s torturing but I know it’s still a journey of waiting that the Lord wants me to experience.

Sometimes, I feel that the way I’m doing things is as though my last day is coming. Well, it’s good to live every moment well, but NOT the way I sometimes do, wanting to go, to do and try all things available.

Just in the month of January, I learned to appreciate everything as though it would be the last time. I found myself pushing myself to do the best, love and appreciate friend’s companionship more, not taking all things for granted.

I could see how much the Lord has blessed me with friends, who are ever willing to walk with me during this most difficult moment of waiting and leaving. I’m so so appreciative simply because I am unable to find such support in my most beloved family. The Lord knows best what I’m lacking of.

So… 1 more month of FREEDOM….. better get going to do what I should be doing….like WHAT??? Oopss… I also don’t know!!!! Sigh…

The final meet ups begins

Last evening, I met up with a few friends from the “Mission Awareness Group (MAG)” – a subgroup of ACMA, for a farewell dinner.

MAG was the first mission group I joined since November 2004 after receiving the invitation to offer my life to the Lord (Aug 04) and my journey of search started.

I began to find out what I am called to and was prompted to sign up for a Mission Orientation Programme going to Nong Bua Lamphu and Udon Thani in Thailand, which I had no idea where it was.

To cut the long story short, I began to be active with this group till beginning of 2009 when I did my 6 months stay with the FMM sisters. MAG led me to many new spiritual journey ‘networks’ such as the Catholic Aids Response Effort, St Joseph Home, Darul Arqam Singapore, Brighthill Temple, trip to the mountains in Chiang Dao, Thailand etc… Anyway, I learned a lot about mission and what being a missionary means.

I really enjoyed the time spent with this group of friends who comes from different parishes. What brings us together was our like-mindedness. We walk on a journey of being missionaries, called to evangelise, wherever we are, at home, at work, at church etc... We are able to share and understand our unique spiritual journey and challenges together.

So, last night, we had dinner at Khansama Tandoori Village at Science Park and then proceeded to George’s house and chat till 12 midnight. There were sharings and recollection of the past being together. We realized that we were very privileged to be able to sit down together to share about our lives with God and the world, how challenging to be in the world and yet not of the world. Really!!! How many in this world actually engages in such a deep conversations? Most of the time, we (including myself) talks about the worldly things and ermmm…OTHER people!!!!

So so… that ends my journey with MAG for the moment.

Ah Choo!!!!!

House Packing Starts again...........

it's so dusty in the storeroom, definitely not in my room..

Have been packing, throwing, giving, buying then packing, giving and throwing again for the longest time........

Now, I have to do it seriously..... my mission is to do all I can to prepare my house for my family and my room for Jevin (my baby nephew) to live in happily and peacefully. A place where my things are there but unseen.

I wonder how long will this go on.... erm..... definitely until they day before I depart.

Picture: It's my family taken on 16 December 2009.... nope it's not Jevin's birthday...he will definitely always be the limelight in any birthday celebration.

Is it Pleasure, Power and Avoidance OR LOVE??

I finally gotten down to continue, but still not completed, the programme I in the beginning of the year. Supposed to complete during my 3 days stay @ FMM, Maris Stella Convent with Sr. Assunta Leong, but I was just too “WOLS”. So had to bring back the cassette tapes (YA!!! the superbly old CASSETTE tapes) to complete on my own.

The programme is called “The Fully Alive Experience” by John Powell, S.J. and Loretta Brady. The emphasis of the programme is that we lead partial lives. An average person achieves only 10% of his/her potential: of senses, emotions, mind and heart. Ya.. so… the other 90% we are DEAD to ourselves.

I have done enough work (for now!), to find out what are the distorted visions(perceptions) I have for others and myself that is preventing me from being fully Alive. So, I moved on to the next part which is the vision of life and vision of the world.

What I would like to share here is that many of us seek meaning in life. I too. Questions asked usually are: What am I really seeking in life? What do I really want out of life? What do I really believe life is for? My answer is Happiness/Joy.

The 3 life-principles which dominates in our society which John Powell mentioned kept me pondering.My little reflection about myself on these 3 principles are as follows;

• Pleasure: I do things to seek happiness, fun, satisfaction, love…. all is to fulfill our human desires.
• Power: I seek power because of low-esteem, low confidence and insecurity.
• Avoidance of Responsibility: I don’t take control of our own life. We prefer others to tell us what to do. It’s easier that way. No ownership of self.
  

As usual, I was superbly disguised with myself. No wonder I always take so long to make decisions. Well, no matter how disguised I am with myself, God still loves me.

John Powell then shared another life-principle with Jesus clarifies: LOVE. The basic question to ask is always “What is the loving thing to do? to say? to be? He also says “Choosing the life-principle of love is God’s port of entry into our lives. We are channels. If God’s love can’t flow through us to others, it can’t flow.”

So, what principle am I following? DUH!! Of course LOVE lah!

Love is a decision. It is not just loving others and God. It’s even more important to love thyself.

It’s because I don’t love myself enough that I fall into pleasure, power and avoidance of responsibility.

Mission accomplished @ Catholic Kg

It’s the end of my short 2 years & 2 weeks journey at Catholic Kindergarten as a Music and Movement teacher to more than 700 children.

I refused to be present at assembly this morning for the children to bid their farewell because I knew I would tear. I said a quick farewell to my colleagues and ran off because the longer I stay, the more we talk, the more i would start crying.

The journey started on 1st January 2008, acted very confidently and professionally, standing in front of a crowd of children and their parents, conducting Music and Movement lessons. With God’s graces, guidance and strength, I managed to persevere through 2008. I thought it was ‘THE END’ but I was summoned to another year of SERIOUS discernment which led me to complete another year of service, 2009.

During these 2 years, I have gained lots of confidence in myself. Having to deal and gain trust from parents and my colleagues would not be possible if I don’t present myself confidently. I have also done the most impossible tasks (I thought so!) like leading Sport’s Day exercise and choreograph the Graduation Concert. I dare to say my greatest achievement was being able to foster good and close relationship with all my students.

So… what’s really my mission @ Catholic Kg?

"Missionary activity is nothing other and nothing less than the manifestation or epiphany of God's plan and its fulfillment in the world and in history; in this history God, by means of missions, clearly accomplishes the history of salvation." (Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Decree on the Missionary Activity of the Church Ad Gentes, 9; cf. Chapter II, 10-18.)

The first form of Evangelisation is Witness (Redemptoris mission, Chapter 5).

So, I’m called to bear WITNESS to the Gospel, to show and bring Christ to others. Well, this is easier said then done. All I could do is to give my best, to be available to all who needs and very importantly to be allowed to be led by the Spirit.

Very often, in trying to be God’s missionary, instead, I’m being ministered. I felt so much love, support and encouragement from all my colleagues. The children in the school taught me values such patience, love, generosity and forgiveness. I felt so ashamed with myself whenever they ministered to me.

So, it’s true….. “For it is in giving that we receive.” (St. Francis of Assisi)

And so….. with great joy and peace, I end my journey at Catholic Kindergarten

……awaiting for my next life journey.

Mission of Openness

What kind of mission is this??
I wondered too!!!

After a week of 2 retreats back to back, this was waht i realised. From 4-6 Jan, i had a retreat with Sr. Assunta Leong on a Programme 'Fully Human Fully Alive experience' by John Powell. Afterwhich, I helped out at the RCIA retreat from 8-10 Jan 2010 at Majodi Centre, Johor.

Through these 2 experiences, i realised that by sharing and being opened at the right itme with the right content is a mission too. No need to do any hard labout work, all i needed to do is to share my life, telling the story of Jesus in my life.

Eversince I decided on my vocation to the religious life, I'm torn between to tell or not to tell people about it. I felt like a hypocrite if i tell and hwat if it's not successful? But, because it's so hard to keep it as a secret, and telling myself what's the point of not telling and lying, i decided to share freely to whoever that shows interest in my life because they care for me.

Initially, it was difficult and it's still difficult. The more I share, the more I doubt if this is what I really want...WAIT...what's there to do with being missionary? What i would like to share here is that whatever i shared about my life, it's a story of Jesus that might inspire others and there would probably be more awareness, transformation or even conversion. Especially when i sahre with non-Christian friends, at least i created a new awareness in them. Maybe...or rather...with faith, there will be someone who have been inspired by my sharing, telling the story of Jesus because of their own conversion and inspire another person and so on... Isn't it a beautiful chain effect?

This is my 1st blog after a long time (last blogged was on Jan 06). Till now it's still a private blog, reason being I didn't want to share too much about my discernment journey plus the fact that i can't write well. I hope one day it will be an open blog.

Unless a grain of wheat shall fall upon the group and die……

O Jesus, why did you fall on me? Why did you decided to roll away? What message do you have for me? 2 days continuously!!!!

Jesus (the host) came onto my hands as I was transferring into my mouth, it seem to have bounced off my hands, landed on the sanctuary and started rolling away…

I was in a shocked, Oh no!!!! I quickly crawled onto the sanctuary, stopping it from rolling, picked it up and consumed it. It was a little embarrassing but more of a shocked. I was perspiring too.

Before communion, I decided to play “Unless a gain of wheat” as a communion hymn because the verses matches with the Gospel. During communion, as I was playing, I was even more shocked with the words: ”Unless a gain of wheat shall fall upon the ground and die, it remained but a single gain with no life.” My Jesus really fall, what is it telling me??

As I was reflecting on the bus, Jesus did fall and give life to the people.

Is Jesus telling me that I have to fall in order to have life? Is Jesus teaching me humility? Or dying to my old self, or dying to the worldly things???

How can it be linked to yesterday’s incidences?

Yesterday what happened was Father dropped my host and during breakfast I was stained with chili on my nice pink blouse, white skirt which I hardly wear and new white shoes. The fall of my host reminded me that Jesus falls on the way to Calvary as I picked up the host. And the stained on my beautiful outfit made me reflect on detachment, dirtiness and getting myself into buying worldly materials (new shoes). I too remembered that yesterday morning on the way to church I was asking myself if I’m able to detach myself (as I was a bit more well dressed then usual) if I really enter. I was confident that I am able.

So Jesus, what your actual message for me?

IHM Youth Mission Trip to Tanjung Balai Karimun

5-8 June 2006


“The computer screens were blurred and yet they can see, but we can’t see”

This phrase stuck me eversince I realized how blurred were their computer screens at school. But why they could see and I couldn't?

It struck me that many times, God probably showed me the path I should walk, the things I should see/experience and the things I should do but my screens were blurred. Perhaps all I needed to have is a child-like faith to be able to see images on my screen clearly.

I truly thank God for giving me the opportunity and courage to go for this trip.

Overall, I felt that the trip was fun, relaxing filled with experiences. Although, this mission trip did not have any big impact on me (probably because I went for similar trip before), but it did meet my objectives of going for this trip and even more.

I remembered that my initial objective of going was to test whether how well I am able to blend with the youth. There’s two “groups” of youths. One group is the “more happening” kind… the other is the “quieter” ones. I realized that I don’t have big problem communicating with the “quieter” ones because it’s fits more to my character.

I think I was able to meet my objectives because of God’s strength and reminders given to me. As I signed up for this trip as an individual, I don’t have any clicks, many times, I do felt a little lonely. Therefore, I tend to approach the “older” group people as I would feel more comfortable with them. But constant reminders appeared that I have to try to reach out to the younger ones. Sometimes I am able, sometimes I can’t.

A brief itinerary

1st day: Played Captain’s ball, night stations of the cross and mass
2nd day: Taught powerpoint at St Emmanuel School, visited St Anthony’s Christian Community with mass and Singapore Fellowship Night
3rd day: Taught powerpoint at St Emmanuel School, visited St Thomas’s Christian Community with mass and Indonesian Fellowship Night
4th day: Final mass with the St Emmanuel School’s students and teachers.

Ministry work at St Emmanuel High School

It could be quite disappointing to know that I had to stay at St Emmanuel School instead of going St Joseph where the main work were being done.

However, God’s plan is always greater. He knows best of what I needed to experience. It’s because of the teaching at St Emmanuel that the students were able to recognize me during the Indonesia night and the final mass. It was because I taught there that helps me see the difference in the students from the two schools. It was because I was put in-charge of the teaching at St Emmanuel school that I am able to work with 6 other girls who were the youngest in the group. It was because I taught there that they remained in my heart till today.

My group taught them how to use the powerpoint software. Thank goodness most of the students were able to understand simple English. I was doing the lead teaching while the other girls were attached to the work stations. I wouldn’t say that I did a very good job as a teacher but I knew that I tried my best and allowed the Holy Spirit to lead.

The teachers there were also very supportive. Although not all the teachers could understand English, they stayed in the computer room with their students to give them support.

What amazed me most were the computer screens. Most of the screens were very blur. However, the students could see but we can’t. Example, when ask them to go to “insert”, they could see but we can’t.

After completing 2 sessions of our ministry work, I sat down with the girls for a short debrief session. Here are some of the feedback given.

How we felt in general?
– Satisfied
– Luckily because some things we teach them, we learned them in Primary 2
– Computer screens were blurred… however if we give them a perfect one, they probably would not be use to it.

How we felt when there’s a language barrier?
– Frustrated
– Happy to see them eager to learn

What have we learnt?
– Patience and explain slowly. Explain simply, don’t need to think so complex all the time.
– Have pick up some Bahasa Indonesia words
– Not to take things for granted
– Money cannot buy happiness
– Simple lifestyle


What have I discovered?

I discovered that I enjoyed working with the less fortunate students. Probably, it’s my calling to serve the less fortunate people. I can relate well with them. I could see Jesus in all of them……. I want to give God’s love to them with simple actions such as patting their shoulders, tapping their heads, shaking their hands and even hugging them. The smiles on their eyes touched me.

o The difference between St Joseph and St Emmanuel School

St Joseph School is more for the wealthier students as their school fees are higher, while St Emmanuel School takes in students of lower income household.
When I was at St Joseph School earlier in February this year, the children (primary) there were very rowdy, they would push and pull you in order to get your attention. And also hearing from some friends teaching there that it’s very hard to get the students attention there and some of them simply didn’t want to hear them. Some class even need our guys and people who can speak Indonesian to get their attention especially the older ones.

However, at St Emmanuel High School (Age 13-16), we had no problem capturing their attention. They were very humble people and very keen to learn. Even after class, during the Indonesia night and final mass, they would come to us calling us sister sister….. the younger ones would stand around quietly, waiting for you to shake their hands… when I give them touch on their heads and hug them, they were so happy…. I could see it from their eyes and expressions.

o The humble teachers

The teachers at St Emmanuel School were very humble. Most of the teachers there can either speak little or no English. The students there will always help to translate what I wanted to tell the teacher. When the teacher tries to speak the little English they know, the students will laugh at them. To me, when I see the students laughing at the teacher and the teacher laughing at herself, I felt two things. Firstly, it’s the close student-teacher relationship and secondly, the humbleness of the teacher. I can’t imagine how the teacher would feel when their students were better and have to correct and teach the teachers instead.

o Being with the youth

I realized that when they are out of the “home area”, they like freedom. They won’t like people to nag at them. It’s their chance to do things that they like.