Some says I’m on “Holiday”. I say…. WHAT HOLDIAY!!! The feeling of this so called “holiday” is worst than not having a holiday.
It has been more than 2 months since I arrived back in Maris Stella Convent, Singapore. Finally my “waiting” is over. Managed to go to Petaling Jaya, Malaysia for my medical check at Assunta Hospital and finally, the provincial councilor met and decided how they should DEAL with me. However, is my “waiting” over?? NO!!!
Well, God is really challenging me. My medical is a problem yet not a big problem. It’s uncertain. It also depends on how I take good care of myself. But it’s beyond my control. It doesn’t affect me physical yet but it may get worst. No one knows. Only God. And ONLY God can heal me. Sigh!! What’s going on?
Yes! It’s more “WAITING”. I suddenly asked myself. Am I wasting time? Is God really trying to tell me that I’m not called to this way of life? Is God purely challenging me? Why my journey is always longer or more disturbed than others? I started my discernment journey way back 6 years ago and those who started after me have already gone ahead of me. Even my peer had moved on to another stage before me.
Signs have shown that the God always use me to prepare the way for others, but how about ME? My job DONE? Maybe the 1st shall be last… that’s at least some consolation and hope.
Well, I wouldn’t say that this “holiday” was totally a waste of time. It’s really how I look at it too. It’s because I’m here that I experience what is really CONVENT life. It’s only in big community that the experience is fuller. The celebrations, feasts, traditions are more observed here. Of course community life is even more challenging. Although I do not have any specific responsibilities or work, that’s where I get to hang around, observe and get involve in a truly CONVENT life. Imagine staying the house for 24 hours, 7 days a week.
I’m also very blessed that it’s here that I can pick up more skills in sewing and crochet during my free time. It’s here that I renew my prayer life, get to pray faithfully everyday and even having the privilege of personal prayer guidance by the provincial . It’s also here that I learn to live in big community.
Also, it’s this time that I discover more about my medical conditions that makes me more aware of the importance of taking care of this temple of God. Some things are controllable, especially DIET…
But it’s also here that I felt so insecure and lost.
Well.. it’s here that I get to be with my family during Christmas and Lunar New Year. How blessed!
So, what is God really trying to tell me? To carry on preserving, take a step at a time, just move on and have trust and faith with God and the institute. OR Angie, you are just not fit enough and it’s not your vocation…GO… stop wasting time… the result will still be the same after your ‘probation’ period.
However, the urge to just continue moving is also very strong. I have faith that God will heal me. He’s just creating a very special and memorable journey for me so that my vocation will be stronger.
Well, I hope I’m just moving on not because I DON’T KNOW what to do. That I’m afraid of going back to the lay life and start all over the process of WHAT SHALL I DO NEXT? Study or work? WHAT??
Please my dear brothers and sisters. Keep me in your prayers when you remember. That I will only do what God wants and that I would be able to listen clearly to His prompting. That God will heal me if that’s His will.
