Fishing!! Whose fishing whom?

Fishing requires lots of patient.... yeah....

BUT Fishing at Hai Bin Prawning ＠Punggol requires not only patient but also feelings and guts... Feelings to feel the catch... guts to use your hands to catch the struggling fish out of the pond. And I did it this time, all by myself!!!  :) (well... not that big one)

ermm... what mission is this?? what have I learnt? Any message?........... I wonder!!!

Importantly, I know it's a beautiful family activity and a wonderful time spent with my brother at the pond. Well... it too can be boring if we choose to look at it as purely waiting and waiting and no catch.

Therefore Advent as we know is about being patient, waiting and hoping for a catch....

How about turning it over... God is waiting and patiently catching us who are struggling like the fish until we are willing to let go and surrender totally to the catcher.

oh my.. that's too difficult... easier said than done...

Happy New Year!

A new start. a new beginning, a new catch, a new mission and a new liturgical year

It's Over..... for now

Dear friends, just a quck note....... thank you for all your support throughout my journey...

I have completed my mission.... and will be proceeding to next very soon.

I have left with no choice, no options, no hope.... but... definitely God is my only hope... and with the continuous support, I believe I will find my way soon...

Love....

My last chance Lord.... Thy Will be Done.

It’s about 1 year 7 months since my entry to Pre-novitiate.

It’s really Woh… that’s how long I have left home. But thank God for many blessings along the way that I was still able to be with my family. 

2011, hasn’t been a smooth year, many things had happened. Within my family and my formation journey. It’s really overwhelming… well then again… WHO’s journey is smooth right!! 

What’s threatening is that have come to point of the journey that I will be evaluated by the end of the year. My fate whether it’s God’s will for me in Religious Life and to enter into the novitiate or maybe it’s better that I go HOME.

I really don’t know how I should share with you what’s going on in my journey. It’s so mysterious, it’s so complicated. Did I create this? Or it is meant to be like that. Only God knows. All I want is a fair and just judgment at the end of the year. 

Then again.. who is to judge one’s calling? So ultimately is ME right! I hope so. Well, maybe its still religious life, maybe it’s just the wrong congregation… well maybe it’s not for me, maybe it’s the weakness of the institute. Maybe I’m called to elsewhere… ya WHERE!! 

Sometimes I see challenges as growth and blessings.. well maybe challenges experienced now will strengthen me in future… but too many challenges might also be a sign to GO… 

There must be something more…. Only Fools like me and many others will pack and leave the comfort of the world, family and friends for a life so mysterious..

Anyway… is it totally my discernment ERROR, my weakness, my flaws? Can it be the institute ERROR? Can it be the ERROR of another sister? Can it be GOD?

Ya… I guess only God knows… sigh…

But as what I stated above, I'm given the chance and I’m giving myself the last chance to persevere on. God gave a special person, I am sent to a special person who will look at things from external with the interest of me. A third partly who will help me to re-look at my vocation discernment. 

Well, isn’t that strange, I requested for someone to help with my inner-works but end up having to re-discern my vocation… well it’s good to lah… Ultimately, I want to be happy and I want to know what went WRONG!!

Ok… anyway anyway anyway…. Please pray for me and for this SPECIAL person and for FMM…. That whatever happens it’s GOD’S will and not HUMAN will.

House of Stories

18 August 2011, was the day I celebrated all my sweat, tears and joys together with my companions on the journey (a lay Catholic and a Buddhist student).

This 10 weeks journey is the highlight of my Pre-novitiate formation so far. It sums up all that I have been working on towards my growth and put them into practice, and even more. In short, this is an ALL-in-ONE programme.

I never ever thought that I would involve myself in a hospital settings and I really like it very much. The hospital is indeed a ‘House of Stories’, which is the theme of my graduation. In there, there are many lives and each has a unique story. Please allow me to share 3 stories with you.

A diabetic, Buddhist patient who had an infected leg due of a fall. Her treatment was being delayed by another hospital and she decided to ‘run away’ to Assunta Hospital. She was crying in pain and frightened of amputation. She remembered that Mother Mary had help her when she was a poor child and cried to Mother Mary. Thank God, the doctors are able to save her leg. 

A patient, who loves drawing, never tried drawing human portrait because it’s too painful. It will remind him of the death of both his wife and his 15 yr old daughter. He was being challenged to draw. Will this help him to let go of his pain? I don’t know. Nevertheless, he did it, even though he wasn’t satisfied with his drawing.

There’s another sick patient, those life has been transformed & enriched by many in the hospital and her ‘house’ where she lives. She’s a person with very low self-esteem & confidence. Such a person can hardly love herself and others, and carries a lot of baggage. She’s now a freer person and more confident person sim ply because her patient’s stories are hers, their pains are also hers and their search for meaning in life is also hers. When she minister to them, they ministered back to her.

This is a house of transformation. Like it or not, anyone who enters this house, gets their lives transformed. Some found their faith back, many through the expertise of the doctors and nurses found their health back. Many watched their love ones suffer in pain and began to question about life. Some found a new way of living, others departe d. As long as there are some contact with the patients here, life can never be the same.

During my 10 weeks journey here, I have witnessed many lives being transformed. This is a Hospital for the sick and we are all sick people in some ways.

On the move again!

Angeline is PACKING again!!
This is my 3rd BIG packing since February 2010.

Actually, this time not so bad, just going away for about 10 weeks not shifting yet, but I felt that it’s a pretty long time and it’s better to pack away the other stuff which I’m not bringing.

The consolation is that it’s something I’m looking forward to as I needed something more substantial and stable for my growth and discernment. Ya! I’m finally leaving for Petaling Jaya, Malaysia not for purely Medical Check AGAIN like the last time but for my Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) course at Assunta Hospital. Also yes, another medical follow up as well, hopefully all cleared, miracles to happen right!!

Have been 2 months since I shifted to Tampines. Time flies, even though it’s challenging here, I had nice experiences too… didn’t share with you in my last post.

I have been attending Qi Gong classes conducted by Fr. Edward at Church of the Holy Trinity since my arrival and it’s relaxing, fun and healthy. I enjoyed dancing around with the steps but it’s very hard to remember them all.

Also, I have attended Mandarin Mass twice, and would be the thrice this Sunday. Well, I still can’t really understand and response but it’s beautiful ‘Qing Chong’. What attracted me most is the Chinese community spirit. What I questioned is about the continuity of the younger generation. Anyway, I never expect myself to be attracted to Mandarin Mass as my Mandarin is horrible to the extend that my Chinese Teacher was so angry that she walked out of the classroom because I could start to write a word for my composition.. that’s how bad…

Wisdom: these words came to me when I was writing this blog… I wonder…..

“When there’s packing means there’s unpacking too.”

Happy Easter!

Woh! really long time never update my blog… am I that busy? Perhaps Yes!! Busy sorting up my mysterious health and formation journey.

Anyway!!!.. Happy Easter to all of you. May the Risen Lord light up your path into a deeper relationship with Him.

How interesting life can be? How mysterious God is working in my life! It’s all unexplainable.

After spending about 4 months at Maris Stella Convent, the sisters finally decided to move me to a newly formed pre-novitiate house at Tampines. I arrived at Trinity community on 25th March 2010, Feast of Annunciation. It’s again a hard change. From a big community where I have less responsibilities and work, to a small community with more work and sessions. I feel that it’s not so much of shifting house but the whole mess or rather the whole mystery in my formation programme which I don’t know how to explain. At one side, I pity myself for having such as weird journey, on the other hand, I thank God for the many experiences.

It’s has been 1 year since I enter in March 2011. Time just flies but this stage of formation is taking too LONG!!! Again THINK POSITIVE!!! It’s good, I should learn to enjoy while I still can… BUT it’s WASTING of TIME!!! It’s not! God sends me different challenges to strengthen my faith, vocation and whole being. BUT it’s too TOUGH!! Well… if I can’t even ‘tahan’ this, in future it might be even worst.

Anyway, I’m 1 month here already, 1 month more to go before I visit Malaysia again for my doctor’s appointment and to attend the Clinical Pastoral Education programme. I’m looking forward to the course yet worried for my medical checks.

One of my new programme here enables me to have a entirely new experience of ministering to a Catholic school (Hai Sing Catholic School). It’s my first time getting involved in school ministry as I never attended any convent schools back then. Although, I goes to the school only once a week during their Catholic fellowship programme, it helps me to understand more about the new generations Catholic youths. They are lovable, innocent and full of energy.

This Easter, I also get to have a new experience at Holy Trinity Church. It’s the first time I get to witness immersion baptism. It’s very beautiful and symbolical too. If I’m still back at Kuala Terengganu, Easter celebration would probably be very very simple without baptism. It’s I’m still back at IHM.. hee hee… ai yo… lagi cannot compare lah… anyway, I’m really grateful for what I have here.

Also, another blessing here I think is the opportunity to experience room sharing for 2 weeks before my room mate left for Malaysia for her renewal programme. Well, she’s a healthy elderly sister. Although, I don’t get much privacy and personal space in the comfort of my own room, I learnt to care for her, be sensitive to her needs and bear with all inconveniences. Also, sometimes it’s really nice to have a room mate to chat with before bed time. Now, that she’s away, I get the room to myself, it’s also a blessing, YEAH!

Ok.. so to end this sharing… really!.. I felt that my whole formation is so mysterious just as God is also so mysterious. I believe that if we are able to allow God to work in us mysteriously, ultimately, we are the one who will GAIN… we have no LOST. The problem is… Are we able to allow God to work in us in such a way? Am I able to allow HIM?

Is there really a need for miracle?

Lord, please heal me completely. I believe and trust that you can perform miracle, you will heal me completely. 

This is the prayer I kept praying ending with ‘if not maintain the condition”. Such little faith I have right? Surely, I’m looking for a miracle lah!!

After seeing Dr. Tan, a Nephrologist and a Methodist, I’m really happy that my Cholesterol and Sugar are Good but there’s still protein leakage. However, Dr. Tan feels that it’s a mild case and it’s not rare. There’s no cure or treatment for the inflammation in my kidney. Medication might do more harm then good. 

So anyway, that’s my cross to carry. What hits me was Dr. Tan’s reply to my words. He told me that I may not die with a kidney problem but maybe something else and he will not be able to see the end of the episode. 

So I said, he will see it being completely healed. And he replied, is it really necessary? Even the blind man touched people’s lives. He believes that I still can make a difference to many other lives too even with my little problem. It’s so true! Do I really need a miracle? Or am I seeking for a miracle just to prove God’s healing power and for his affirmation?

Thinking further, it’s because of this problem that I’m learning more about my own health and taking better care God’s Temple. It’s also because of this that my faith and Religious Life formation has been challenged and strengthened. 

The whole process and journey of discovering this cross which affects my Religious Life formation is more important than a complete healing. Moreover, if I have a perfect health, will I still have such an experiential journey? Will I ever learn and treasure my own body?

I thank God that my condition isn’t that serious. Indeed God is still there for me. Duh! Always will be with all of us. And everything that happens, definitely has got a purpose and a reason. That’s God’s PLAN. 

So, dear friends… thank you for all your prayers. 

And… yes.. I have arrived safely at Petaling Jaya and looking forward to the start of my course the following week. Another NEW experience!!!

God’s challenging me! It is a sign?

Some says I’m on “Holiday”. I say…. WHAT HOLDIAY!!! The feeling of this so called “holiday” is worst than not having a holiday.

It has been more than 2 months since I arrived back in Maris Stella Convent, Singapore. Finally my “waiting” is over. Managed to go to Petaling Jaya, Malaysia for my medical check at Assunta Hospital and finally, the provincial councilor met and decided how they should DEAL with me. However, is my “waiting” over?? NO!!!

Well, God is really challenging me. My medical is a problem yet not a big problem. It’s uncertain. It also depends on how I take good care of myself. But it’s beyond my control. It doesn’t affect me physical yet but it may get worst. No one knows. Only God. And ONLY God can heal me. Sigh!! What’s going on?

Yes! It’s more “WAITING”. I suddenly asked myself. Am I wasting time? Is God really trying to tell me that I’m not called to this way of life? Is God purely challenging me? Why my journey is always longer or more disturbed than others? I started my discernment journey way back 6 years ago and those who started after me have already gone ahead of me. Even my peer had moved on to another stage before me.

Signs have shown that the God always use me to prepare the way for others, but how about ME? My job DONE? Maybe the 1st shall be last… that’s at least some consolation and hope.

Well, I wouldn’t say that this “holiday” was totally a waste of time. It’s really how I look at it too. It’s because I’m here that I experience what is really CONVENT life. It’s only in big community that the experience is fuller. The celebrations, feasts, traditions are more observed here. Of course community life is even more challenging. Although I do not have any specific responsibilities or work, that’s where I get to hang around, observe and get involve in a truly CONVENT life. Imagine staying the house for 24 hours, 7 days a week.

I’m also very blessed that it’s here that I can pick up more skills in sewing and crochet during my free time. It’s here that I renew my prayer life, get to pray faithfully everyday and even having the privilege of personal prayer guidance by the provincial . It’s also here that I learn to live in big community.

Also, it’s this time that I discover more about my medical conditions that makes me more aware of the importance of taking care of this temple of God. Some things are controllable, especially DIET…

But it’s also here that I felt so insecure and lost.

Well.. it’s here that I get to be with my family during Christmas and Lunar New Year. How blessed!

So, what is God really trying to tell me? To carry on preserving, take a step at a time, just move on and have trust and faith with God and the institute. OR Angie, you are just not fit enough and it’s not your vocation…GO… stop wasting time… the result will still be the same after your ‘probation’ period.

However, the urge to just continue moving is also very strong. I have faith that God will heal me. He’s just creating a very special and memorable journey for me so that my vocation will be stronger.

Well, I hope I’m just moving on not because I DON’T KNOW what to do. That I’m afraid of going back to the lay life and start all over the process of WHAT SHALL I DO NEXT? Study or work? WHAT??

Please my dear brothers and sisters. Keep me in your prayers when you remember. That I will only do what God wants and that I would be able to listen clearly to His prompting. That God will heal me if that’s His will.

My CNY Reunion Lunch

This year's reunion lunch for my family... it's really a REUNION! Thank God that i'm back in Singapore and was allowed to spend a day with my family.

We almost didn't get to go for this meal because before my brother's car couldn't start and was really late in picking me up. Then we had to go to the mechanic to change the battery. Anyway... we still managed.

So.... We went to Resort World, Sentosa. Not that I really want to recommend this restaurant.. because it's EXPENSIVE, but more so of sharing my joy with all of you.

We ate at Fung Shui Inn Restaurant. We had Gourupa fish, asparagus with scallop, soup, Lobster salad, crab meat with Huang Di Miao and roasted chicken. As usual, my brother only remembered to take the photos after we started the meal. What's new... As for the taste, it's so so lah. The ambience was cozy and quiet. It indeed recreated a beautiful atmosphere our our reunion lunch. And, more importantly, my nephew Jevin has got enough space to walk about and crawl under chairs  to entertain himself without us worrying that plates and bowls falling over him.

After our meal, we walked around the Resort World. the place was really huge. It was really a wonderful family outing just walking around and visiting boutiques which it's too ridicules to buy anything from them. Then we ended up at Toast Box which is more affordable for tea before heading back home.  

I'm just so happy to be with my family an of course Jevin, my nephew is the central attention and the joy giver that brings my whole family together. It's just so wonderful..