Into the 3rd week of Advent

My sisters and brothers, how’s your ADVENTure so far. Since we have reach the 3rd week of advent, we need to pause a moment to examine our journey. 

It has been 2 weeks since I’m back and YES, I’m still waiting. Waiting to find out what’s wrong with my health (do not worry, I’m ok, just that the institute wants a better medical report rather than the one I submitted earlier on) and also what is the next move since I cannot continue my formation in KT. Waiting is really no fun creating lots of emotional tension especially if my medical report FAILS…. I may be ask to LEAVE. Maybe the Lord just wants me to be back and continue the journey here. Anyway, these 2 weeks, I have learned to wait with joy by living day by day.

What gave me consolation was by looking back to my previous “Advent” experiences. Realising that every year since I started my discernment journey, there was extreme waiting. Woh! 6 Advents prior to this year it had been always “What am I to do next?” - or waiting for some form of acceptance be it job application or religious life.

Remembering in 2007, it was waiting to be accepted back to Maris Stella Kindergarten or to Catholic Kindergarten as a music teacher. In 2008, I was waiting to speak about my desire to enter but only to be summoned for a 6 month stay. In 2009, it’s waiting to enter. That’s how God works in my life as far as I can see… Although I still do not know why is it like that, but it does give me some joy to know that our God is so humorous.

How about YOU? Are there such trends in your life? Well, it doesn’t need to be during Advent… it can be any time.

Time to Go!

Like any fetus in their mother’s womb, I too, in the secured place of Kuala Terengganu, must be delivered out after 9 months, Yes, it’s time for me to return to Singapore, back to the REAL world.

I’m being sent back to Singapore for various reasons. However, more importantly, I also felt that the Lord have given me a great 9 months stay in Malaysia and now that I felt so secured, it’s time for me to move.

Again, it’s a mixed feeling. On one hand, I’m happy to return back to Singapore, but on the other hand, I’m super anxious. Being in a formation house plus in KT, gave me a sense of security. It’s very peaceful in the house compared to the outside world. I’m given opportunities to learn and make mistakes. I worked on my own pace too. We spend at least 2 hours per day praying together. In conclusion, I’m well taken care of and it’s a safe haven for me.

So, what am I worried and anxious about? Of course questions like, where I am going next? What will I be doing? Who will be journeying with me? I’m also afraid of being back into the fast pace world, will I be able to cope with it?

Moving also means changing. Once again I have to settle into another community lifestyle and re-organise my daily routine and prayer life. Nobody likes change, but change is good. Yes, I’m sure by going through all these, the Lord is preparing me for my missionary adventure.

Ha ha, to add-on to all the above, I still have to deal with other questions like, Am I sure that I want to live this way of life forever? Will I be able to cope with all my emotional stress? Will I be able to live a life of aloneness rooted in Christ only?

Any..anyway… It doesn’t matter anymore… I have committed myself to this way of life and That’s ALL… doesn’t matter where I’m going next, doesn’t matter if I have 101 questions to think about… as long as I’m still feel happy, still having the desire to move on, I have to put on my thick skin and persevere on until the Lord says “GET OUT”.

I’m Coming Back!!!

What lies in front of me…. I don’t know… only God knows…

I only know that it’s going to be a bed of roses… with thorns… yes with thorns.. it’s not going to be easy, but it’s definitely beautiful.

My Birthday

The celebration began this morning at prayer. Sr. Kristyn together with the other sisters prepared the liturgy for my birthday and how nice was it to be on the Feast of St Matthew. How blessed to be born on the Feast of St Matthew. The mass readings were so beautiful. It tells of how I am to live my life, my vocation and what I am called to. And we end the prayer with the hymn “In His time”, one of my favourite hymn that always makes me cry.

As usual after prayer, we had our birthday and the sisters sang the birthday song and gave me a blessing. Just as I was spreading my bread, one of the teacher from the Kindergarten (KG) came to our house and told me someone was looking for me. So I went out to the school’s carpark and a Malay woman was standing there… telling myself, I don’t know her leh… then she ask me if I’m Angie. I said Yes and she say she has something for me.

So she went to the car and took out a bouquet of flowers and I was in total shockness to see the card. It’s from Fr. Aloysius, Dominic and Karen… all the way from Singapore… Oh my goodness!!!!! Then followed by the big cake. I was overjoyed… I walked back to the house, open the door and told the sisters, “I’ve got present from Singapore”. When I went to the table, I couldn’t even say a word… run to go dry my tears and nose… so embarrassing. I cut the cake together with the sisters and all of us enjoyed the cake. It’s so superb. Not too sweet, not too rich, very nice cheese cake. I also shared the cake with another 14 teachers and there’s still some more in the fridge. What a big cake!!!

Also, I receives some greeting cards all the way from Singapore. Yes, one was from the community at Kovan which I stayed 6 month last year. I’m also very surprise and filled with joy as I opened the card.

It’s really so unexpected. I already lost count of how much blessings I have received. I’m like the LUCKIEST woman on earth!!! I greatly thank the Lord for giving me good friends, friends that supports my vocation and friends that are interested in my life. What else can I ask for??

After my lesson in the house, I put my hand in with Sr. Mary Ng to bake my birthday coconut pie. Well, of course she did most of the work, but I really enjoyed, it’s a long time since I bake. Oh ya, how can I forget, I too receive another small cake from my “Uncle” here. How blessed to have 3 cakes for my 1st birthday celebration in the convent. Well probably to prepare me for days where I might get NONE! Sr. Mary cooks fried bee hoon with PRAWNS and fried Lekor. It’s simple and nice.

Then, in the evening, the celebration continues with dinner at SAUJANA restaurant.

Come to think about it, there’s more celebration here then at home... maybe I will only experience such big celebration during my pre-novice formation... not sure in future... so better enjoy every moment now.

Oh my mum called too about 9.15pm... She sounds good. I think she’s taking it better then me. Why am I worrying! God will take care of her...

My Birthday Vigil

Tomorrow’s my birthday. I’m feeling excited cause it’s a very special day. It’s the day I’m bought to the world 28 years ago, the day I began my missionary duty on earth. My first assignment was to bring life to my parents and my elder brother. I hoped I did fulfill it… I’m sure, thank God that I was a joy to my family. As there are many out there who are struggling for acceptance, coping with rejections.

For the past few years, if I did not remember wrongly, eversince I spoke to mum about my vocation, I would pretend to sleep before 12midnight to wait for mum to come into my room to give me my first birthday kiss. Then I will sleep soundly. This year, it’s an entire different experience. Mum not with me, no need to pretend to sleep, no midnight kisses…… I suppose I just have to try to go to bed, knowing that God is with me.

I’m feeling worried because I’m wondering how mum will be feeling tonight and tomorrow. If I can cry just by thinking of what usually happens on this day, mum would also feel the same. She must be missing me! She must be telling herself that she is not beside me on this special day to celebrate with me. I’m very worried for her, but I can’t do anything. I can only pray that she will take it calmly with support from my family.

On the happy side, I’m grateful that I’m not celebrating my birthday on my own. God has given me a community of sisters here at Kuala Terengganu to celebrate this special gift of life. My 28th Birthday would be the first celebration away from my blood family but the first in my God-given family.

I always hear people saying that birthday is just another day. I also tried to have that mindset for the past years but deep down I knew it’s not JUST ANOTHER DAY. It’s a SPECIAL DAY.

I never knew this day would mean so much to me. It’s also another great challenge to my vocation. I miss my family so much now that it’s beyond what I can manage. I’m not sure if I am able to handle all these emotions which will pop up now and then before I get a heart attack.

“O God, if this is what you want of me, You have to see me through it. “

Part 2... coming soon....................

1st Ramadan and Hari Raya experience in Kuala Terenggnu, Malaysia

Ha ha, WAIT! Don’t get mistaken! I am not so holy as to fast for 30 days with our Muslim brothers and sisters. Here, I would like to share with all of you my first Ramadan experience in Malaysia. 

The spirit of the Ramadan month here in KT was high. In KT, I would feel the spirit of unity. They used fireworks as the tool to welcome the start of Ramadan. On the eve, there were 7 shots of the fireworks shooting up into the sky to tell everyone that Ramadan would be starting the next day. Every morning about 5.30am (varies daily), there would be 2 shots of the fireworks. One to tell everyone to get ready to stop eating, and the other in a 5 minute interval to tell people to start fasting. And in the evening, there would be one shot for Buka Kuasah. 

Since the beginning of Ramadan, I could hear people playing with firecrackers. Although, it’s banned in Malaysia, still people are playing it opening. It’s ???? how they get them? What sadden me most, when I read about children/teenagers getting hurt, blinded or losing their lives by the firecrackers. Theses people in the end either have to celebrate their Raya in the hospital or in solemn.

Raya is also a time where many Muslims will Balik Kampong. It’s a time for reunion and seeking forgiveness. I had an opportunity to watch a programme on Asian Food Channel about Ramadan in Malaysia and Singapore. I was really touched by the whole spirit of fasting and Raya. It’s a very beautiful religion if well practiced. I even felt little ashamed with myself for making so little sacrifice for the redemption of my sinfulness.

On Raya day, 10 September, we went to the Hari Ray Aidilfitri Open House at Menteri Besart’s house (chief minister house). It was a great experience for me. The atmosphere there was very joyous. There were not only thousands of Muslims, but also the Chinese, the Indians and even foreigners. There was a long queue to wish the minister and children gets a “green packet” from the minister. Afterwhich, they proceed for a lunch reception. Everyone there gets to eat. Of course there were people like myself going there going there just to eat and experience the festive season. So… of course head straight for the food lah… !!! It was the generosity of the minister that draws the crowd, however, in such occasion, we always see the ugly side of things… what I meant was food wastage, grabbing and greediness. 

In the afternoon, we visited one of the house in Batu Rakki. It’s the house of our kindergarten’s uniform tailor. He’s deaf and dumb. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to see him as he went back to the kampong. But we got to speak to some of his children. It was experiential for me to step into a ‘modern’ low-cost Muslim’s house. They have all the necessities, but I could still feel that it’s a very old house. I don’t think I can leave in it. During the time spent with the family, I was not deaf but dumb. I could not make any conversation because I couldn’t speak Bahasa. So, all I could do was to try to figure out what they are saying by their actions and the little Bahasa I know. 

I have yet to experience the real real Kampong life yet. I hope I would have the opportunity one day.

User-friendly

Where can you find these words? Everywhere. We can find them on product labels, advertisements and from our mouth. We always hear about the product being advertised as convenient and user-friendly. We too talk about handicapped-friendly, they too, are part of users of products, roads, etc.. Surely, I would definitely buy a product or go to a place where it’s easy to use, easy to access and importantly save time.  

However, if we look at the other side, what have it transform us into? Here are some of my reflections.

1. I become lazier when things are so easily used and available.
2. I complaint more and blame others when things are not to my expectation, ready for my use.
3. I become impatient and lessen human interaction because everything is “idiot-proof”, there’s no need for anyone to teach.
4. I become self-centered, I’m concern only about “What’s in it for me? How will it help me? What will I gain from it?”
5. I tend to give up easily when it’s too difficult.

What are you thinking now? 

I’m not saying and telling myself to avoid easy tasks because God too is a very ‘user-friendly’ God. We can access and call upon him anytime. He is always so flexible and never goes against our choices. Although, He sometimes can be quite complicated, He never fails to direct us to the best path.

It’s a blessings to have “user-friendly” stuff. What’s important for each one of us is to be aware of how we use it and not abuse such blessings. 

 

 

Fruit of my labour!!!

Can you imagine the joy of harvesting fruits which you have work for it?

This was me!! When I went to harvest the 1st bunch of Jambus, I could feel the joy and I was smiling to myself. It’s so satisfying. I finally understand why people like gardening.

Err.. in case you think I planted the tree… no lah.. I only wrapped the flower after it flowered and watch it everyday.. hee hee. Packing prevents fruit flies from attacking it.

How about my Dragon fruit growing?? Ha ha, only 3 shrubs (is that what’s it’s called??) surviving one out of many many seeds I planted. So I started another pot last Friday, just in case!

So, what can I learn from this??

Some fruits are almost instant because the seeds have been planted and fertilised by others, or even for generations.

My JOB here on earth is to continue to plant seeds and fertilise other seeds until it bears fruit. I do not choose which seed to plant but all that I can find because in the end only some might grow. Planting also require faithfulness. I must be consistent in watering and nurturing them. I have the tendency to start, get excited, then abandon it and move to a new pot or even worse, move to a new hobby.

Let’s see how long I can last! Hee hee. So what's your Job here??

Also, I had a real experience of what it meant by “to be rooted in Christ”. One of the evening, it was raining so heavily. I only remembered my Dragon Fruit pot much later. The next day, thank goodness, the 3 shrubs were still there but they were not in their original position. We I put one out to check if it’s died, I saw only one short root, and so that’s the reason why they cannot withstand storm. So I have to start growing long roots.. ha ha…

Here's a picture of a Dragon Fruit flower bud. Hopefully it will grow. It's so beautiful. If you are interested, maybe i will take another picture when the bud gets bigger... NO!!... it's not what i planted. This plant probably is older then me.

1st planting at St Theresa Convent

Yesterday, I planted my first fruit plant. The only plant, not sure it’s even call a plant, probably it’s just called spouting of green beans. Ha ha. Can you guess what I am planting?

Duh, of course can’t lah! It’s Dragon Fruit. With the help of one of the sisters, I prepared the soil and took a some dragon fruit seed with I kept from dinner the night before. I sprinkle the seeds around and was told to water it everyday. We have a few dragon fruit cactus here. We have both the red and the white ones. So far, we harvested 3 fruits. There are some more buds, hopefully it will flower. Sounds interesting right??

I always wonder why the sisters are so interested in garden under the hot sun. Forever digging, changing pots, watering, pulling here and there. It took me almost 4 months to understand a little more about the garden after questioning them and seeing results with my own eyes. I’m in love with the flowing process, especially cactus flowers that have only a one night life span. They will open and the next morning die. Realised it’s the same as for passion fruit flowers. And the excitement and fulfillment of seeing the plan flowering and becoming fruit is so wonderful. So, I decided to start small and slow, just to help myself appreciate nature a little more.

So the night before, my community cut open the 3rd dragon fruit and we shared. I asked if dragon fruit and be grown using the many seeds on the fruit. The sisters say yes, and I ask if I can try. My sister superior said, cccaaaaannnnn… I was so happy and I cut of a little from my share to keep for planting.

You know my dear friends, what is so special of these fruits is that they are constantly thinking of reproduction and they provide abundance of opportunities for germination. Take for example even before the bananas are ripen on the tree, 1-2 more anaks will be going. And just see the amount of seeds in the papaya, watermelon ….. imagine if every seed becomes a plant………..

And lastly, nature is really so much controlled by God. Some bear fruits, some just don’t even it’s well cared for.

1st cooking here at St Theresa Convent

On 10 June, I did my first solo cooking for 3 person. It was a good experience. Over here, the sisters cook whatever is available in the fridge. Unless really not enough, then we go to the little shop outside to buy.

So, as you can see, I cooked 3 dishes with rice. Firstly, it’s the fried eggs, some Kua fried with onions and garlic (the green dish at the back), crispy brown rice (ha ha, obviously it’s not well cooked) and chicken meat cooked with carrots.

Not bad right!! Tell you, I walked in and out the kitchen for at least 4 times because I couldn’t estimate how long I need to prepare or cook. Anyway, I manage to produce some food on the table.

My 2nd attempt was to cook for 5 paxs (2 meals). That was a challenge… I felt that I cannot be thrown there to cook for so many all by myself. So, few days before, I seek SOS help from another sister. She was nice to agree and even plan the dishes. So I prepared and cook the vegetables and she help me with the meat. She would teach me what to do with all the preparation and correct my way of cooking. I greatly appreciate that because it’s better to learn the correct way from the beginning.

So that’s my 2 attempts while the main cook was away. Now, I continue my job as a onion, garlic and potato peeler, with another glamorous duty as a dish washer.. hee hee.

Working in the kitchen is not about how glamorous it is, it’s really cooking with love for the community because I’m part of the community. So even I’m a dishwasher, I have to wash well…. but… the truth is all these are not my favourite things to do, so I had to struggle a little by forcing myself to do it well because I’m part of the community.

My body is not MINE

“I live now not with my own life but with the life of Christ who lives in me. The life I now live in this body I live in faith.” (Galatian 2:20)

I would like to share a little reflection I had on 2nd reading, 10th Ordinary Sunday, 13 June 2010.

I realized that I live now not for myself but for Christ and my community. When I’m not taking good care of myself, I’m just being irresponsible to Christ and my community.

That led me to recalled what I learnt about ‘the evil of self will’. Sometimes, being knowledgeable, being attentive is good but when pride enters, evil doings and thoughts will take place. When I allow pride to enter, I have destroyed this body that God had loan it to me.

Suddenly, I realized that my body is not mine! And therefore, if only I can love something that doesn’t belong to me, then I can love others.

Woh! I was overwhelmed.

So I took a break…… then I made another discovery.

I found myself over protecting my body from things that will not harm the soul…eg Dirtiness. It was scary cause, I was all along protecting from something that can be wash away easily. What cannot be so easily cleanse is the soul and not my physical body.

With that thought, I walked out of the house into the garden. Walking to and fro… and decided to go to the Jambu tree. So I stared at it for a long time, should I dirty myself and put in some effort to wrap the flowers (prevent bee from stinging) since this is the only tree I know what to do with the flower? Actually, it’s not a very dirty job, it’s just having to climb up the ladder, putting my hands and head into the branches of leaves, which I don’t like. Anyway, finally, I did it and I was happy.

The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit

These two weeks, I have been reflecting of the Holy Trinity.

Realised that it’s the least celebrated among the 3 big feast, Pentecost, Holy Trinity and Corpus Christi.

I have been grazing on this Holy Trinity icon for the past 2 weeks and indeed have discovered more about myself. I realised that I’m always the observer. As I graze at the icon, I was watching the scene going on, wondering what they were talking about. Are they discussing about me? One night, on my bed, I suddenly asked myself, why am I looking from the outside, I should also sit with them at the table.

So the next day, I tried to enter into the scene. However, I couldn’t. I tried and tried but still ended up as an observer unconsciously. Only then I realised that I’m just projecting ‘who I am’ to my self. It’s ME!!! I’m always staying backward to look at the situation and until I’m very comfortable then I will take the step forward. That again explained why I took so long before answering to the invitation to religious life. I must consciously remind myself about this behavior otherwise, many opportunities in my life would have just slip away without me knowing because I’m still waiting and watching.

I also made a new discovery on Pentecost Sunday. I realised that the Holy Spirit is the busiest person among the 3 person. The Holy Spirit has to take instructions for the Father and work on all human, yet, how many actually follows the Spirit’s direction? But he never gives up, the Holy Spirit will also think of ways to realigned us back to the Father. However, he’s also the least recognised person.

This attached icon on the Holy Trinity painted by Andrew Rublev is now in my head and I could picture and see it in the dark with my eyes close. When I see it with light, it gave me a sense of affirmation and comfort that I not only have One God but three, who are all supporting and guiding me.

Try spending some time grazing at this icon. Oh… try researching about this icon, it’s meaning and it’s symbols too… it’s very meaningful and beautifully drawn.

May,
God the Father, my commander
God the Son, my model
God the Holy Spirit, my leader
         bless me, my friends and love ones. Amen.

Fish, Mangoes, Coconuts and Pineapple

Please don’t eat them!!!!

Not that they are poisonous, but…

Let’s start with Fish.

2 days ago, I had hands on experience in cleaning fish. My goodness, it’s so gross. Had to cut the fins, open the gills, dig out the intestines which continue little fishes, and all the ‘stuff’ in the stomach. My hands were smelly and bloody. Was telling myself, if I knew it’s so much of work cleaning a fish, I wouldn’t want to eat it anymore.

Mangoes….my favourite! Your favourite too?

There few days, we have been harvesting many mangoes from another house. We do have mango tree too, but not ripe yet. Anyway, even it’s ripe, we have to share it with many ‘friends’. Well… I never had such a hard time eating mango in my life. Smell good, look good, but what’s inside, you do not know. I never ever had such a hard time eating mango. Now, before taking one, I had to meditate on it, pat it and put on a winked face before cutting open. These ‘friends’ hides only in the sweet mangoes. Sounds like us. We hide our ugliness in our sweetest looks. Anyway, ‘friends’ are my wormy brother and sisters too… ai yo… too much trouble to eat…. Better don’t eat.

Now…Coconuts

Nearly had to climb up to pluck the them, but thank goodness, with the help of 2 guys on the streets, they plucked down for us. If you know why we always say the words ‘coconut head’, you will know that coconut are very hard. I was happy to be given an opportunity to try chopping it open, but I didn’t manage to. A sister more then twice my age had to help me. It’s really hard work, lots of strength and skill needed. Now I could imagine coconut sellers having to chop so many daily, must be really tired. So think twice before drinking coconut.

Oh yes… Pineapple too… my goodness… if you ever cut open a pineapple, you will know what I meant… I rather buy a slice from the fruit stall.

In conclusion….. looks like Angeline is going on a diet, since it so hard to clean fish, chicken ….cook…. better live on rain and sunshine. Well, if you really need solid food, hopefully you are just as blessed as me, able to just sit and wait to be served. On a more serious note, yes, I’m starting my kitchen work, I don’t superbly like it but it has a lot of teachings in it. I’m not dragging myself to the kitchen YET…. neither am I finding joy in it. I would still rather sit and wait to be served… ha ha!!!

O Lord of hope, help me enjoy dirtying my hands dealing with life giving things rather then things that only destroy my inner being. Because our God is always giving hope to us, I am convince and assured that one day I will be able to overcome my fears and dislike.

Returning back to KT…….

My journey back to KT was an experience. I took 2.5 hours to travel from Tampines to Larkin station (Johor). Well, eventhough the journey was long, it was very smooth. At Larkin Station, I almost missed the bus. When I saw the bus with a signage ‘Kota Bahru’, I knew it wasn’t my bus, but I went to ask the driver, he says no too. Then I sat down and waited. I felt very strange because it’s almost 9am and buses were leaving instead of arriving. So, luckily, I starred at a man from the bus company whom I met earlier at the bus counter. He noticed me and came to me. I showed him my ticket and he pointed to the ‘Kota Bahru’ bus. So I was re-assigned to another seat, I asked if there’s single and they gave me the last seat. In the bust, I felt so uncomfortable that I decided to pop in a traveling pill which I didn’t plan to eat because I don’t like the effect of it. I would keep on sleeping and would feel very tired. Anyway, I moved forward to another seat and felt better. I was also a little worried that I’m on the wrong bus.

Anyway, thank goodness, after traveling for about 3.5 hours, they transferred me to another bus going to KT. Upon hearing the driver uttering some words about KT… I raised my hands and just response “Kuala Terengganu”, he pointed another bus… so I took my stuff and went to the next bus. The bus drove off, and I felt very uncomfortable, kept thinking if I have taken all the things from my seat. Then I tell myself, Yes, I did, but to my horror, I forgot about my luggage under the bus. quickly went to the driver and just keep repeating “barang barang, barang, barang”, pointing downards, he understodd what I was saying. He replied, but I couldn’t understand. So with a worried face, I asked the other passengers, what did he say? The passengers didn’t say anything, and one lady kept smiling, finally told me that the driver will call, then she says the driver will stop and meet the other bus here. Oh my…. I went down with the driver to wait for the previous bus. Thank goodness, I realised it early and got back my luggage. The rest of the journey was very very smooth and comfortable. Phew!!!

The journey back was a good experience especially traveling in a foreign land. Upon reflecting, I could testify that the Lord was really with me. It was the Holy Spirit who kept prompting me to do a certain thing. Firstly, I was prompted to go to the bus counter otherwise I would just have wait at the platform. Secondly, I felt very strange and decided to get attention from the man I met at the counter. Thirdly, I have a super strange feeling that I have not taken all my things over to the new bus.

Thank God.. I reached safely at KT with all my Barang Barangs.

My whole trip back to Singapore had enabled me to experience a missionary life of traveling, adapting, settling and moving off again. Now back at KT, I have to readjust back to my routines. Although, along the way, I have lost focus and control of myself, it was a very good learning trip too. It’s important that I must keep focus and not allow my own excitement and temptations to divert my mind.

This is HOME

This is home, truely, where my senses tells me......

It's so nice to be back in Singapore... familiar ground, flats, roads and church...

Yes... Singapore air.... ai yo... just to happy and grateful that i have the opportunity to come back home.

Singapore, I’m coming!!

Time just flies….. have been in Malaysia for almost 2 months. It’s time to visit my beloved country again. I’m all excited to go back that the thought of the long journey didn’t exist at all. Thinking of it now, makes me worry alittle, so better not think at all. My family and some friends are all excited to await for my return. Of course i'm very excited too.

After being in Malaysia for about 2 months, I managed to learn a little about the culture, the politics and the government. Coming from a country with very stable and “OMO’ government, plus knowing nothing about politics, I’m still very confuse about the political system here. However, it can be very interesting as I discover little by little.

I wish I could meet up with all of you when I’m back in Singapore. But it’s impossible and not very healthy for me because I’m still undergoing formation and it’s not my HOME leave. I’m already very blessed to be able to make a trip back and meet my family. The Lord is extremely good to me… that is also worrying… maybe it’s to prepare me for longer missions in future.. OH NO!!!!! better don’t think so far… live in the presence….

Hope all of you are doing well. I still miss you very much.

:Live every moment without regrets”

Bonjour

Bonjour. Comment allez vous?

Ha ha… as you can tell, it’s French! I just started my French lesson with one of our parishioner. She was bought up in France but she’s Indian. It’s really difficult. Can you just imagine even table and chair has a masculine and feminine word to it. Pronunciation is worst. I hope it’s just only the beginning.

Why French? It’s because our institute has 3 official languages. English, French and Spanish. Our foundress, Blessed Mary of the Passion was from France and most of her writings are in French. Therefore, the sisters feels that my English is ok (is it true!!!) so I can start picking up French. Ermm... think can forget about Bahasa for now....

No time to be bored!!! This week was really hectic and distracting. I had 3 new ‘challenges’ if I may call it. Besides my French lessons, I had to lead the liturgy(divine office) once a week and also play for Sunday mass (whenever needed). Phew! On top of that, I had an extra work day because of our school’s outing at Terengganu Museum. It’s very tiring but I enjoyed the time spend with the children and it’s also an opportunity to see Terengganu’s places of attraction.

Alleluia! Jesus is alive!

My dearest friends, wishing a holy and blessed Easter.

May the Risen Christ who light up the world be the source of peace and comfort in your lives.

How was your Easter Celebration?

Over here at Kuala Terengganu(KT), the diocese had send a priest to celebrate the Easter Triduum while our parish priest Fr. Fedinand Magimay who runs 3 parishes in Terengganu went to Dungun. So we are blessed with Fr. Gerard Theraviam. Celebration here was pretty simple but complete. On Easter Vigil, we had no baptism and had only 3 readings (minimum requirement), therefore, it’s pretty short. Then we had makan session after that. I particularly appreciate the get together as it was a very good opportunity for me to pick up courage to get to know and interact with parishioners.

Throughout the Easter Triddum, I kept comparing with the ‘grand’ celebration I always had in Singapore. I had difficulties accepting the way things were done and I became like the liturgical police woman (in my heart lah… didn’t say anything out). I had to keep reminding myself that I’m in KT and not IHM.

I realised that I should be appreciative that I am able to celebrate Easter Triddum together with the rest of the world rather then at another timing which some mission land would have had. I also realised that although celebration was simple, everyone was participative and importantly (I think), no one complaint about any Boos Boos made. Ai ya… Still I miss the ‘grand’ and full liturgy I always had…. I miss IHM. Sob! Sob!

During the Easter Triddum, there was also a funeral wake at our formation house. Funeral service was on Holy Saturday. What a timing!!! There are hardly any funeral here. This one was special. The deceased lives at Dungun but was hospitalized here in KT and the family are very close to many here including the sisters and the priest. It’s also difficult to transport the body back to Dungun. There was no Christian funeral parlour and so the best place is our formation house. How blessed are we in Singapore that big hospitals are all over our little island.

I asked the sisters a question 2 days ago: “Where does the Catholics here gets their spiritual food?” The replied was, through homily, Herald News and own reading. I was thinking how blessed are we, Singaporean who have endless choices of courses to choose from and having the pastoral institute just beside IHM. (double blessing for IHM parishioners). I am deprived of attending course too… sigh…. But thank God, I’m under formation so at less there’s something. So… considering that there’s not much spiritual inputs here, KT as a mission land, I think it’s really very good. I shouldn’t be complaining.

Ok… it’s getting very very long…. I think that’s about I would like to share with you. I’m still doing well, not being challenged yet, still in honeymoon stage. I still miss the active ministry life but I have to keep reminding myself that I have to focus on formation….. but sometimes I’m a little bored.. hee hee.. But it’s ok lah… I find things to do and learn…. Like reading books, newspaper, helping in the kitchen, housework and enjoying doing nothing with God.

Ok…really that’s all… please write to me to keep me updated about your lives too. I’m KayPo about your business too… hee hee.. no lah.. so at least when I think of you… I can imagine better lah…. Help me lah..

“THE DAY” !!!!

19th March 2010, Feast day of St Joseph, was the beginning of my new journey. YES! It’s “THE DAY” I long awaited for. It’s my entry as a pre-novice of the Franciscan Missionaries of Mary. It was a simple ceremony but full of joy. During the ceremony, I received a TAU, a candle and the office book.

The joy comes not only because it’s “THE DAY” but also the presence of the sisters who celebrated with me. They have been and will be significant in my life journey. They are…

Sr. Assunta Leong

(Provincial, the 1st sister I known & journeyed with me during my most confusing days)

Sr. Mary Peter Ng, Sr. Regina Ho and Sr. Mary Kristyn

(My Community of sisters at Kuala Terenganu)

Sr. Victorine and Sr. Veronica de Rosa

(Singaporean!!! who have been part of my journey and had come to celebrate this joyous day)

I thank God for answering my desire of having Singaporean sisters, who are significant to me, sharing this joy with me in a foreign land. It was the best gift and most encouraging moment.

Also, I would like to thank all of you, my dearest friends, priests and sisters who have been so much part of me (yes, you lah!!!) and my family for making this day possible for me.

All the pre-departure anxiety has led to this DAY and ha ha probably more to come… but I am assured of all your prayers for me right!!! (Better pray ya… if you have not been praying)….Really… a big THANK YOU… I really miss all of you…

I have started my work teaching music and movement. This is their first time experiencing music and movement class. I try my best to give as simple instruction as possible….and they also try their best to figure out what on earth I was doing… But it’s rewarding because by the end of each class…. think they really enjoyed themselves. But but but… often I also forgot that I have to speak very slowly and they are NEW…. cannot expect them to obtain my EXPECTATION. This is my little mission here and I hope to make a difference in the life of the children and the teachers.

***please please...tell me if there's mistakes in my blogs (gramma/spelling) cos... cannot affort to spend so long on the comp checking and checking for errors...

1st work day….SUNDAY!!!

Sunday, 7 March was my 1st day at work at St Theresa’s Kindergarten, Kuala Terengganu. Had to tell myself priest works on Sunday too, as motivation. Moreover, never had such easy job, 4 hrs, 2 days a week, shouldn’t be complaining.

After being introduced to all the teachers, I started at the 4 years old class. They were all looking strangely at me, very curiously kept turning back to look. Children here converse in their own language usually, mandarin or bahasa, eventhough they can understand some English. I had some difficulties understand them not because of language problem but their accents. My mission is to speak to them in English ONLY.

My main task is to teach Music and Movement to the whole school (8 classes) for 30 minutes. What’s that compared to 17 classes X 3 times a wk at Catholic KG!!! So I went to the hall, had to look for the cupboard keys and found only cassette tapes and a Hi-Fi set. Thank goodness they had a keyboard. I was telling myself, oh no…. don’t have instruments, no big collections of CDs, no lesson plan…. How to teach?? I panicked for awhile…… I want to call for help!!! No computer to burn disc!!! Ai yo… how how….

So, with limited resources, I calm myself down to think how I can teach. Well, as I thought, the Lord reminded me that my 2 years of experience at Catholic Kindergarten would have given me the ability to teach eventhough resources are little. This is being missionary, to use whatever that is available wherever I am.

So I planned out my lesson for the 1st class starting on 21st March. Thankfully, I also managed to find the disc I helped to compile for the school 2 years ago. That would help me in my other lessons.

Ok.. Retreats starts from 14th March… please pray for me.

I saw sister MoON…..

Finally, I went out on Thursday morning before prayer, I saw my sister Moon. It keeps me happy cause all my friends in Singapore… all sees the same sister Moon too. She connects us together.

This morning, I took my binoculars, went out again hoping to see the moon and stars. There were many stars, could see one which is in clusters, very pretty. Unfortunately, I can’t identity any of them. I think I saw the orient, but can’t identify if any of those are planets. Maybe the sky is too high and too bright. Hee hee… sigh… but I’m really very happy.

So… I’ve settled down, I think… and starting work tomorrow. As expected, I will be going to the Kindergarten twice a week starting tomorrow. Yes… SUNDAY is a WORK day here. Weekends is on Friday and Saturday.. Weird right!!. I’m quite excited eventhough I kept saying I don’t like teaching. Anyway, will see how lah. It’s training and mission ground I suppose.

Then, the following week, going on a retreat before my official entry on 19 March 2010. So please pray for me.

And yes… on Friday, we celebrated Sunday mass. Church here is very different. I missed Singapore vibrant church. Here, congregation is small and liturgy is simple. It’s only stand and sit, no kneeling cos no space.. hee hee.. it think.. After mass, I went to our pastoral house. There, the college students, mainly from Sabah and Sarawak will have some session before returning to their campus. So I joined them. As we shared, half the time I don’t know what’s happening cause they all speak in Bahasa Malayu. When I ask them if they speak English, they said can. So, these are the youth of the parish.

There are not many young in Trengganu because most of the young are in other states either studying and working. So. left the old and very young.

So so.. my little mission here starts tomorrow… hope I will fit in fast.

The new beginning

So happy, able to on the computer, suddenly, don’t know what to type.

Computer here, very slow… so not sure when it will hang. Better don't complain.

Anyway, I reached Kuala Trengganu on 1st March 7.20pm, earlier then expected. The journey was very smooth. The sisters came to pick me from the terminal and dinner was waiting for me. Very quickly, unpacked (didn’t have much after all), had my shower and prayed. That’s all. I’m settled in.

Thinking back, it’s because of my long long discernment journey that helped me to settle into the house very quickly. I’m familiar with the prayer structure and the way they wash bowls… hee hee… so my initiation was easy. I really appreciate the journey and it’s meant for me…Thank God for that.

Now awaiting for my companion to arrive tomorrow and see what happens lah. Have been doing nothing, eating, reading, praying and sleeping.

Ya, so much of wanting to see stars at night, can’t even get out of the house because of mosquitoes outside… will have to wait for opportunities later.

Oh, I miss Singapore’s peacefulness. Here, I now must force myself to know about the Malaysia government and all the other stuff which I really dragged to know and learn about.

So, that’s about it lah… hopefully get to write my blog more often… then again, I can’t be always seen using the computer right!! Ermm….. see how lah..

Take care my dear friends….. missing all of you… but no choice, I chose this way of life.

Please pray for me that I will have the courage and humility… to ASK for whatever I need. No more freedom of buying and doing what I want … (will it be that bad? I don’t know yet)

Last one

Ok… write something before I go to bed. Hopefully it will help me to rest better.

Finally all set to go. Bags loaded up the van. They are very very heavy for me but can’t afford to repack, it’s too late, it will take up too much energy and cause too much body reactions. I just have to learn the hard way.

I just wonder, why did I have to go through all these sufferings? I already suffer so much for the past 5 years just to reach the stage of saying ‘Yes’ and after saying ‘Yes’, just to leave my home, it’s terrible. Will it be even worst after entering?

I supposed I made this decision and I have to bear all the consequences that goes with it. Jesus did that too when he followed the Father’s will. It will be difficult but God will be with me. (He better be with me)

And because it’s a life commitment, there must not be any exit clause attached to me. I must move on and have trust and faith with Him…… (O God, it better be the right decision made, there’s no turning back)

This is really LENT. No need to make other sacrifices already. It’s already TOO MUCH for me to bear.

Really, thanks to a very supportive and caring church community. Without all my close friends and the community, I definitely will not be able to persevere. Thank you to all my dear friends who care for me.

Ok I’m getting really tired and a little unwell. I think I have to take a Chlorpheniramine tablet to help me relax and sleep.

That’s all…. Till I have the opportunity to update my blog, God bless.

The ‘DAY’ has come

Finally able to get down to write something. Have been a terrible 3 days.

Oh no… I think can’t write anything already….. this is terrible

In short…

Lots of Tears
Sadness
Anxieties
Headache
Sickly feeling
Terrible time packing
………

Silly… I’m just going to Malaysia, not that I’m not going home anymore. I’m just going to lead a new way of life.

Thank goodness, have been constantly in touch with my mother and brother, tried to explain as much as possible. But my Dad, forever quiet, seems like don’t bother, finally just burst, EXPLODED in a weird way.

Poor baby Jevin, he’s the baby where everyone pour sadness, happiness, escapism, everything poured to him, because he don’t understand and he still laugh. In addition, as human, we tend to keep our emotions or rather it's pride that stop us from really showing our emotions. --------“Don’t talk to me through the baby”

This is just too terrible… following God’s way is so so so DIFFICULT. Not only have to deal with SELF, but family and friends. Lord this better be your Will and you have to help me.

I’m superbly not really to travel, not because I don’t want to, not because I can’t bear to leave everything but because everything is just too MUCH for me to carry that I’m not physically well. I’m going to suffer during my journey.

To all my dear friends that cares for me, please pray doubly hard for my family and that I will have the strength to carry all these CROSSES just as Jesus did for us.

Going for dinner now in not a very good state but it’s very nice to have everyone together. Sometimes, it just has to take one to leave me to make changes in the family. I hope this is part of God’s plan of salvation. People just have to learn the HARD way

Ok…. That’s ALL…..

It is finished…

Does this sounds familiar? Jesus had completed his mission on earth. Have I completed? Ha ha! It’s only the beginning.

Last evening’s RCIA session was the last ministry I’m letting go. It’s not even completed yet. I had to leave just before the most important preparation to their baptism. But then, it’s also a good time to stop.

As I looked back the 2 yrs journey, it was a very fruitful journey. I had my first experience as sponsor and had my first God-daughter. Of course I gained a lot in many other aspects too, especially self-growth.

Frankly, throughout these 2 years journey, I attended sessions in a half-hearted attitude. My initial motivations were all wrong. I just wanted to play the keyboard to keep it going and improve my skills, and also to test my calling if I’m called to journey with people. It’s because I commited myself to the ministry, so I had to be responsible lor.

Last evening was a very clear affirmation for me. It was a boost of my self-esteem.

I always think that I attend RCIA because I have to play, “play only ma”. I shut my ears during sessions because I’m just too tired of listening or I would just leave. I try to keep practice short and ignores mistakes/messiness because I’m just too lazy to bother. Then, I felt guilty for not being able help others worship. I had no motivation to interact with participants because I did not know them and I’m not really journeying with them. I’m just wasting my time there because I still have to do something while waiting. I actually felt quite useless in the 2nd journey compared to the 1st. So my commitment level wasn’t 100%. And… all my ‘SIAO SIAO’ moments was just to keep me more alive and motivated. And… always enjoying the love that all the older ones were giving me. I really had not done enough to deserve anything

Last night, it hits me that I shouldn’t worry so much about what I do, what I should do, what I must do and what I have done. I cannot downgrade myself to think that I’m useless and my commitment is not there just because I don’t see any results.

So, it’s all about ‘being’ there, ‘being myself’ and ‘do what I need to do’… That’s All.

So... on this blog, I also don't care what you think: "too long, rubbish, lousy..." I just write, That's All..hee hee.... of course with one and only pure intention of sharing life.

What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal

Before, I turned on the computer, I had another reflection topic in mind. But as I turned on the computer, what went through my mind was that “ai yo.. everyone will know what I’m feeling, so ‘pai seh’, privacy all gone.” It’s really like stripping myself naked, yet not completely naked….ermmm… BINGO, that’s what I wanted to research and reflect further…. Ok… save it for the next entry.

Here, what I wanted to share is…. As I opened my mail box, I went to open the daily meditation by Henri Nouwen’s mail which I subscribed but hardly read. To my surprise, my question of privacy was answered. It says,

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.

Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.

It’s only normal to be living “double lives” or even more. We not only hide our feelings but also hide our ‘REAL’ self. We act differently towards different people. I’m not sure about you… but I DO. I live many way of “lives” but working very hard to live only ONE way, which is the life that God has created me to be.

(see… I drifted away again from what I initially wanted to share. The beauty of typing reflection compared to writing is that the mind moves too fast)

Ok, what I wanted to say is that it’s a good thing and of no harm, to share life with others especially deep feelings which many rather hide. But of course sharing it prudently with friends who can be trusted. Oops…. I have no idea who has been reading my blog.

Eversince, I started with my blog AGAIN, I realized that I kind of stopped writing hard copy journal… that’s really NOT GOOD. I also realised that I need not share much verbally because my friends already know what I’m feeling…. that’s even WORST.

So maybe it shouldn’t be too personal…But general stuff can be found at every other sites. Ai ya… CONFUSED!!! Like Nike says: ”Just Do It”. Just do what I think the Spirit is leading me to lah. Anyway, it might not be for long… might have to stop after entering.

1 more week to go….

How am I feeling?

There’s fear, sadness and excitement. Ai ya… it’s a mixed feeling.

I was just reflecting earlier on. The call is certain, I responded and Jesus will be with me. Now, it’s all up to me. How long I can persevere? How discipline and focus I am? Being a person who gives up easily and with low level of determination, how long can I last?

See…. Again worrying things beyond my control now.

Many asked me when I can go home and what will I be doing? My answer is I don’t know. I always think that sometimes, by not knowing, living without much expectation helps one to be more open to new circumstances. Too often, we want to know everything and when things don’t happen the way we know, we get disappointed.

So, I never ask my provincial this question of ‘When can I go home?’ not till yesterday because she asked me what else do I want to know. So I asked lor. Her reply was, not till I get detached from my family, but I do get my annual home leave.

I was reminded on the importance of the initial formation years. Yes, I must be strongly rooted in Christ and therefore detachment is necessary in order to be focus. Giving myself completely to Christ means, I belonged to him. My goodness, that sounds so scary. Enough, don’t want to think anymore. All I can do is to do and give my very best.

Am I just sick or more then sick??

I just took a 2 hour sleep and I’m still feeling sick. Sigh.

My spiritual directors always questioned me, if not gives me that ‘LOOK’ when I fall sick. They believe that when a person is sick, it’s because the body has GOT a PROBLEM. Duh right!! Wait, wait..I’m not saying that my SDs are all DUH!!!

Anyway, from the little I know, usually when a person is REALLY sick, it’s because our body has been over worked, exhausted and needed plenty of rest.

Obviously, my body has not been physically exhausted….. because it hasn’t been working hard at all. So no matter how much I sleep/rest, probably I’m just running away from some form of ‘problem’.

Of course I know myself best. What else more than the silly and irritating word ‘ANXIETY’. Identifying is easy but coping it is terrible. Well, there’s nothing much I can do but to commend myself to God.

There's a saying that says "Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

Prayer is indeed the key to overcoming or coping with anxiety, for it reassures us of God's presence and reminds us of our need to rely on His strength, not on our own.

As St. John Vianney said, "God commands you to pray, but He forbids you to worry."

Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and

supplication with thanksgiving let your requests

be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which passes all understanding,

will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

***Amazingly I feel much better now after blogging and knowing my PROBLEM and of course pray lah...  blogging is really a therapeutic exercise.