The ‘DAY’ has come

Finally able to get down to write something. Have been a terrible 3 days.

Oh no… I think can’t write anything already….. this is terrible

In short…

Lots of Tears
Sadness
Anxieties
Headache
Sickly feeling
Terrible time packing
………

Silly… I’m just going to Malaysia, not that I’m not going home anymore. I’m just going to lead a new way of life.

Thank goodness, have been constantly in touch with my mother and brother, tried to explain as much as possible. But my Dad, forever quiet, seems like don’t bother, finally just burst, EXPLODED in a weird way.

Poor baby Jevin, he’s the baby where everyone pour sadness, happiness, escapism, everything poured to him, because he don’t understand and he still laugh. In addition, as human, we tend to keep our emotions or rather it's pride that stop us from really showing our emotions. --------“Don’t talk to me through the baby”

This is just too terrible… following God’s way is so so so DIFFICULT. Not only have to deal with SELF, but family and friends. Lord this better be your Will and you have to help me.

I’m superbly not really to travel, not because I don’t want to, not because I can’t bear to leave everything but because everything is just too MUCH for me to carry that I’m not physically well. I’m going to suffer during my journey.

To all my dear friends that cares for me, please pray doubly hard for my family and that I will have the strength to carry all these CROSSES just as Jesus did for us.

Going for dinner now in not a very good state but it’s very nice to have everyone together. Sometimes, it just has to take one to leave me to make changes in the family. I hope this is part of God’s plan of salvation. People just have to learn the HARD way

Ok…. That’s ALL…..

It is finished…

Does this sounds familiar? Jesus had completed his mission on earth. Have I completed? Ha ha! It’s only the beginning.

Last evening’s RCIA session was the last ministry I’m letting go. It’s not even completed yet. I had to leave just before the most important preparation to their baptism. But then, it’s also a good time to stop.

As I looked back the 2 yrs journey, it was a very fruitful journey. I had my first experience as sponsor and had my first God-daughter. Of course I gained a lot in many other aspects too, especially self-growth.

Frankly, throughout these 2 years journey, I attended sessions in a half-hearted attitude. My initial motivations were all wrong. I just wanted to play the keyboard to keep it going and improve my skills, and also to test my calling if I’m called to journey with people. It’s because I commited myself to the ministry, so I had to be responsible lor.

Last evening was a very clear affirmation for me. It was a boost of my self-esteem.

I always think that I attend RCIA because I have to play, “play only ma”. I shut my ears during sessions because I’m just too tired of listening or I would just leave. I try to keep practice short and ignores mistakes/messiness because I’m just too lazy to bother. Then, I felt guilty for not being able help others worship. I had no motivation to interact with participants because I did not know them and I’m not really journeying with them. I’m just wasting my time there because I still have to do something while waiting. I actually felt quite useless in the 2nd journey compared to the 1st. So my commitment level wasn’t 100%. And… all my ‘SIAO SIAO’ moments was just to keep me more alive and motivated. And… always enjoying the love that all the older ones were giving me. I really had not done enough to deserve anything

Last night, it hits me that I shouldn’t worry so much about what I do, what I should do, what I must do and what I have done. I cannot downgrade myself to think that I’m useless and my commitment is not there just because I don’t see any results.

So, it’s all about ‘being’ there, ‘being myself’ and ‘do what I need to do’… That’s All.

So... on this blog, I also don't care what you think: "too long, rubbish, lousy..." I just write, That's All..hee hee.... of course with one and only pure intention of sharing life.

What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal

Before, I turned on the computer, I had another reflection topic in mind. But as I turned on the computer, what went through my mind was that “ai yo.. everyone will know what I’m feeling, so ‘pai seh’, privacy all gone.” It’s really like stripping myself naked, yet not completely naked….ermmm… BINGO, that’s what I wanted to research and reflect further…. Ok… save it for the next entry.

Here, what I wanted to share is…. As I opened my mail box, I went to open the daily meditation by Henri Nouwen’s mail which I subscribed but hardly read. To my surprise, my question of privacy was answered. It says,

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.

Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.

It’s only normal to be living “double lives” or even more. We not only hide our feelings but also hide our ‘REAL’ self. We act differently towards different people. I’m not sure about you… but I DO. I live many way of “lives” but working very hard to live only ONE way, which is the life that God has created me to be.

(see… I drifted away again from what I initially wanted to share. The beauty of typing reflection compared to writing is that the mind moves too fast)

Ok, what I wanted to say is that it’s a good thing and of no harm, to share life with others especially deep feelings which many rather hide. But of course sharing it prudently with friends who can be trusted. Oops…. I have no idea who has been reading my blog.

Eversince, I started with my blog AGAIN, I realized that I kind of stopped writing hard copy journal… that’s really NOT GOOD. I also realised that I need not share much verbally because my friends already know what I’m feeling…. that’s even WORST.

So maybe it shouldn’t be too personal…But general stuff can be found at every other sites. Ai ya… CONFUSED!!! Like Nike says: ”Just Do It”. Just do what I think the Spirit is leading me to lah. Anyway, it might not be for long… might have to stop after entering.

1 more week to go….

How am I feeling?

There’s fear, sadness and excitement. Ai ya… it’s a mixed feeling.

I was just reflecting earlier on. The call is certain, I responded and Jesus will be with me. Now, it’s all up to me. How long I can persevere? How discipline and focus I am? Being a person who gives up easily and with low level of determination, how long can I last?

See…. Again worrying things beyond my control now.

Many asked me when I can go home and what will I be doing? My answer is I don’t know. I always think that sometimes, by not knowing, living without much expectation helps one to be more open to new circumstances. Too often, we want to know everything and when things don’t happen the way we know, we get disappointed.

So, I never ask my provincial this question of ‘When can I go home?’ not till yesterday because she asked me what else do I want to know. So I asked lor. Her reply was, not till I get detached from my family, but I do get my annual home leave.

I was reminded on the importance of the initial formation years. Yes, I must be strongly rooted in Christ and therefore detachment is necessary in order to be focus. Giving myself completely to Christ means, I belonged to him. My goodness, that sounds so scary. Enough, don’t want to think anymore. All I can do is to do and give my very best.

Am I just sick or more then sick??

I just took a 2 hour sleep and I’m still feeling sick. Sigh.

My spiritual directors always questioned me, if not gives me that ‘LOOK’ when I fall sick. They believe that when a person is sick, it’s because the body has GOT a PROBLEM. Duh right!! Wait, wait..I’m not saying that my SDs are all DUH!!!

Anyway, from the little I know, usually when a person is REALLY sick, it’s because our body has been over worked, exhausted and needed plenty of rest.

Obviously, my body has not been physically exhausted….. because it hasn’t been working hard at all. So no matter how much I sleep/rest, probably I’m just running away from some form of ‘problem’.

Of course I know myself best. What else more than the silly and irritating word ‘ANXIETY’. Identifying is easy but coping it is terrible. Well, there’s nothing much I can do but to commend myself to God.

There's a saying that says "Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

Prayer is indeed the key to overcoming or coping with anxiety, for it reassures us of God's presence and reminds us of our need to rely on His strength, not on our own.

As St. John Vianney said, "God commands you to pray, but He forbids you to worry."

Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and

supplication with thanksgiving let your requests

be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which passes all understanding,

will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

***Amazingly I feel much better now after blogging and knowing my PROBLEM and of course pray lah...  blogging is really a therapeutic exercise.

It’s really challenging……

It’s already challenging enough to be practising my faith in a non-catholic family, in addition to the celebration of Lunar New Year plus Holiday out… it’s worst….

Yeah! I just returned from Batam View Beach resort. Although, there wasn’t much things to do there, I really enjoyed the time spent with my family and my cousin’s family watching TV, kayaking, swimming, eating, spa and playing cards. It probably would be my last time experiencing such moments with my family. Really don’t know when would be the NEXT TIME.

I realized that that family holidays are really important because it helps binds everyone together…. at home… there’s too many DISTRACTIONS…… as a result, we hardly even get to sit together at the living room.

OK.. back to why it’s challenging living with non-catholics. Today’s Ash Wednesday, the beginning of lent and yeah, my last day at Batam. Of course couldn’t fast lah. Had a BIG BUFFT breakfast in the morning… thought maybe could at least abstain… without knowing, chicken ham was already floating in my stomach.

Ermm… ok nevermind… then fast for lunch and dinner. Very good…manage to convince my family that I’m not hungry during lunch. On the way home, my brother decides to celebrate his birthday today instead of tomorrow….and that was at 5pm. Ok… no more fasting for dinner… and worst, can’t even attending the 8pm mass which I planned to go. Thank goodness, we managed to get home by 5.30pm and I rushed off for 6.15pm mass. At least I fulfilled ONE thing.

At mass, I felt pretty guilty. Although, I know that our God is compassion and love. He understands…. but still……

Later on I felt that the Lord was telling me that that’s precisely the reason why I’m moving on to give myself completely to Him. Only by doing so, I would be able to practise my faith fully. And that’s what God wants to give me. --------------I hope that I'm getting the right msg---------------

I felt happy… yet feeling depressed…. My days are NUMBERED. I’m scared, I’m worried of so many things, my family, myself, my possessions, everything… ha ha… sometimes, I felt like buying the whole shopping center…. Other times, I felt like throwing everything away. I'm going CRAZY......

Ok… stop thinking…stomach stirring already….better GO TO BED…..

Is this really what I want?

On Monday, the FMM sisters from the Trinity Community at Tampines invited me to join them for their reunion dinner and as a form of welcoming me. I would be staying with this community when I make trips back to Singapore. I felt a little uncomfortable as the place was pretty new to me.

This evening the FMM sisters from the Bethany Novitiate at Kovan Road also invited me to join them for their reunion dinner. I was very happy that they included me in their family eventhough I don’t belong there. How blessed I am to be so well supported by 2 communities. After spending 6 months in and 6 months out of the convent, during vespers, I felt very strange yet comfortable. Strange to be back in the chapel, seated at the same place yet comfortable because I’m familiar with the way they pray.

“Is this really what I want?” was the question that kept playing in my mind during the time spent there. I couldn’t really give a firm answer. I only felt that the spirit just keep pushing me on and I will do what God wants me to do. Since from the short history of my life, God had already shown me his dramatic plan, I’m really very eager to know what else He has installed for me. Ermm…. Maybe one day I will know the exact purpose I was made for.

Will this be my last…

Looks like this would be my last outing before leaving.

I’m very very happy to be able to visit the Jurong Bird Park. As a Singaporean for 27 years, I feel so ‘unSingaporean’ to tell people than I have never been there. Apparently, my mum says she brought me there before, not sure whose memory is failing… mine or hers.

I enjoyed myself very much especially with the company of my friends who are so dear to me. They journeyed with me through the weeks of waiting and moments when I feeling anxious, confused, lonely, moody, ‘crazy’ and happy times too.

They too have distracted me away from being ‘scared’ because they are ever so encouraging and always there for me…. Not sure if it’s good - running away from my own feelings…mmmm… it’s definitely good as long as I am able to identify and connect with my own feelings.

I just felt so blessed. What more do I really need? The Lord has given me so much goodness. Although, I may not the most perfect, intelligent and suitable person to be chosen, the Lord has shown me the fruits of my labour and perseverance through the people I meet everyday. Humans might be scary to be with because problems usually are created by humans, but, humans are also the ones who will bring Christ messages into our lives. So, I really appreciate all whom the Lord sends into my life.

Doubting moments: ermmmm…… hope I did not absorb and interpret wrongly the messages in my life….

I always remembered Pope Benedict XVI’s homily during his inauguration in 2005. He says: “No! If we let Christ into our lives, we lose nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of what makes life free, beautiful and great…… Do not be afraid of Christ! He takes nothing away, and he gives you everything. When we give ourselves to him, we receive a hundredfold in return. Yes, open, open wide the doors to Christ -- and you will find true life.”

The MAH family Reunion Dinner

This evening, we had a buffet reunion dinner at my grandmother’s house, as usual, one week earlier. My grandparents have 11 children. That makes 21 in the 2nd generation because my 1st auntie is not married. Then we have 25 in the 3rd generation and 3 in the 4th generation. That makes a total of 62 of us technically.

Being in such big family, reunion dinner is the only time for all of us to catch up with one another. It was wonderful to be able to chat with some of my younger cousins. My greatest fear today was, ‘to tell’ or ‘not to tell’ and ‘how to say’. Some already know, but others don’t. So, the challenge was to find out who don’t know. Ermm.. anyway, what I did was to beat around the bush before saying the truth to those who asked.

The disaster came when one of my uncles triggers my Mum’s volcano again. It was a silence eruption. My brother came to tell me, I acted very COOL and I felt useless. The only thing I can do is to assure her again and again.

There have been so many eruptions these years which I had to handle it. Just at the right time and the most worrying moment, our dear Lord sends Mr. Jevin (my 6mth old nephew) into the world as the best COOLing and Distraction agent. I always felt very guilty getting jealous over a baby who stole away all my parents’ attention over me. Actually, he’s a blessing to my family. I supposed the Lord knows what to do when He wants to use me.

1st outing…. might be the last too….

Finally, I managed to arrange for a date to bring the girls out. Sara, 9 yrs old, dressed in white, is my newly given God daughter in 2009 during her 1st Holy Communion. Emma, 7 yrs old, dressed in pink, was my student at Catholic Kindergarten 2008-09.

This afternoon, I brought them out to Vivo city, ate at Marche and watched a Tooth Fairy. I had a very enjoyable time with them. They are very loving, chatty and adorable.

 After the movie, we went to Precious Thots. They were looking at cards and showed me a card which states ‘Goodbye’. They wanted to get it for me. I asked them for what? They said that they will not see me again because I’m going to be a nun. My heart sank.

Actually, I’m quite worry that I may fail my duty as a Godma. I really don’t know what I can do for Sara. She’s still so young, she might just forget me. Perhaps by the time she reaches Confirmation, she might prefer to look for another Godma.

Anyway, I just have to leave it in the hands of the Lord to create the bond if it’s His Will for me to be Sara’s Godmother

The Lord sends….

Many parishioners have been asking me who will be playing for morning mass after I leave. My answer is always, I also don’t know, God will send if He wants.

Looking back, IHM have been really blessed with animators and organists for weekday morning masses. Never a time where there’s no animator or organist, well at least from what I know.

Mapping down what I know… just for the fun and for memory sake..

• When I started attending weekday morning mass in 2004, Brother Joseph Chang was already the sole resident organist. I did have thoughts of serving too…but….
• Then Sr. Victorine Fernandez came back to the organ seat in 2005. She served on alternate weeks. That’s when I played only when she couldn’t be there.
• Then I think in 2006, when Brother Joseph decided to stop playing plus moving out of the community due to renovation, I started to alternate with Sr. Victorine.
• Then came a young Michelle when she was Sec 2. She played whatever and whenever she can.
• Towards the end of 2007, Sr. Victorine left to another community and I was promoted as the sole resident organist.
• Then came Grace whom gave me an off day.

Now. that I’m going away, whose playing??

The Lord plans it all well. Brother Joseph has just shifted back to Flower Road and he’s willing to play. See… the Lord sends…. It’s like going in circles….. it’s so funny…. And I have a strong feeling that one day I will be back playing too… ha ha…

A night out with the music people

Last night, my friends from the RCIA music ministry brought me out for dinner to Gillman Seafood Restaurant at Telok Blangah. I enjoyed and the good was great.

I journeyed together with this group since 2008, when I first started playing for RCIA. It was a nightmare in the beginning; we can’t seem to co-ordinate well. But as time passes, our group dynamics got better and finally provided better music.

During these 2 years, my keyboard skills definitely have improved. It was a place for me to continue using my music talents after I left the choir besides playing for daily mass. I also learned to be more ‘thick skin’ especially when I made lots of mistakes, trying very hard to cover them.

The beauty of serving in this ministry was the many opportunities given to help others worship God and feel His presence. However, very frequently, I always ask myself whether if I have helped them or have I made a mess. Well, I have learned not to blame myself anymore, instead, to allow the Holy Spirit to take control as long as I had tried my best.

I will definitely miss serving in such ‘safe’ environment.

So… after dinner, we adjourn to The Villa Bali at Gillman Village for a drink. The ambience was really beautiful and relaxing. Definitely had to go for some alcoholic drink. As I looked at the menu, I wanted to order some non-alcoholic freeze, but one of my friend says that “THIS” is nice and very suitable for me and all others agreed. Well… what is so special about “THIS”. It’s the name of the cocktail that made it special. It’s called “XXX on the beach”. You know??you know??

I was so embarrassed. It’s a cocktail made from vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice and cranberry juice. So I ordered it and my dear friends couldn’t stop teasing about the BEACH until we got out of the car park.

My dear friends, thank you. Thank you for always being so patience with me especially during practices. And, very importantly, thank you for being so accommodative to me during my 6 months stay with the sisters which enables me to continue serving. You have definitely played a big part in my discernment journey.

Preparing for future battles

I’m really slowing down…. or rather just pure laziness….. ermmm maybe it’s about letting go…. I think a better word to use is ‘preparing for future battles’.

Realised that I have no motivation to do more then just playing for RCIA and singing for Alpha. It was already quite bad last year….This year, it’s WORST.

Is there something wrong? Have I stop loving God and serving His people?

Having so much stored in ME, just didn’t allow me to be as productive and enthusiastic as before.

In the past, it was…. O Lord….What should I do? Where you want me to go? Do I really love you? Am I really chosen? Who am I? Why am I afraid? All these nearly brought me not to IHM but IMH. Thank goodness I still ended up with HIM.

And now, it is…. O Lord… What to bring? Why must I NOT bring? What to give away? What to throw? How best to pack more things in the most compact way? Whom to meet up with? What I hope to do before leaving? What is most important is to spend time with friends whom the Lord has sent into my life. Are you ONE of them?? hee hee.

Yes… finally, I’m having fun blogging and sharing life (not sure if I still can do this next month) …. a bit ‘shy’ though… you know all about me through the virtual world… but I do hope I know you too. Do I?? I hope….

Just 1 month to go……

It’s exactly 1 month away from my departure. A short moth though. How am I feeling? It’s a very ‘Rojak’ feeling. On one hand I feel that there’s a lot needed to be done, not enough time, but on the other hand, I’m very free, no need to work, don’t know what to do, can’t wait for the day to come. In conclusion, my anxiety level is very high. It’s torturing but I know it’s still a journey of waiting that the Lord wants me to experience.

Sometimes, I feel that the way I’m doing things is as though my last day is coming. Well, it’s good to live every moment well, but NOT the way I sometimes do, wanting to go, to do and try all things available.

Just in the month of January, I learned to appreciate everything as though it would be the last time. I found myself pushing myself to do the best, love and appreciate friend’s companionship more, not taking all things for granted.

I could see how much the Lord has blessed me with friends, who are ever willing to walk with me during this most difficult moment of waiting and leaving. I’m so so appreciative simply because I am unable to find such support in my most beloved family. The Lord knows best what I’m lacking of.

So… 1 more month of FREEDOM….. better get going to do what I should be doing….like WHAT??? Oopss… I also don’t know!!!! Sigh…